There's just so much to say about it all, I'm kinda left with nothing.
We talked it over this morning, made friends again, admitted ways we cold have handled better.
H is still here, still committed, but doggedly so. This isn't what I want, and told him if he isn't doing well here, I will understand. I don't want my heart broken again but since he was telling me 12 hours ago about his idea for crafting a guillotine for himself...
He says he's just trying to do his best. I say I understand.
I just feel like this is the same as it's always been, 6 years of it, and I have always tried so much harder and made so many less excuses. It's not fair for him to deeply want something else and choose me, doing his best, so all his real feelings can explode in height of argument.
I asked him, which statements, which are the ones I trust?
He claims he always gets defensive and says things he doesn't mean. Things he doesn't mean led to almost being divorced, tgen, but I keep that to myself.
He says he is still probably hearing a lot of what used to be there, that I've been much easier to be around. I tell him I've been grateful for the times he was string for me lately.
Still. I feel so, so sad.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
