Quote: But Corri, I really think you are on to something that she might not be facing up to. If there is, then she's a masterful liar because besides telling me how much she loves me, she tells her friends too..(I just found out).
I did not mean to imply that she is a liar -- I don't think that at all. I think the two of you are trying too hard to 'please' and to not disappoint one another that you are placing very high expectations on one another.
Last night, you wanted her to reciprocate and recognize your efforts in a way that was meaningful to you. But she felt gross and stinky, so she sat with you even though she felt incredibly uncomfortable, and transmitted those feelings to you. You, in turn, took her non-verbals very personally because of your expectations.
My point here is, since your wife is not on the boards, what could YOU have done differently to keep this situation from escalating?
Not letting someone off the hook means you do not allow someone else to make their problem yours. If you want her to do something for you, then it is up to you to communicate that expectation so that she can communicate back to you her thoughts and feelings. When you were sitting with her, all you had to say was, "I was hoping I had given you a really great reason to want to sit and cuddle with me, but I feel like something is wrong. Can you tell me about it?"
You are not 'letting her off the hook' by bringing the issue to light, not letting her avoid the discomfort, and clearing up an issue so that you do not personalize it. She should have said something to you, and her part in this was that she avoided clear communication with you because it could have turned uncomfortable for her.
However, when she turns back to you and says it's her week, she feels gross and stinky, then you have to think through whether or not you take the issue further. You are still feeling hurt; you could do any number of things at this point; you could suggest that the two of you get up and finish the stuff she wants to get done since she is already in her gross and stinky state, and suggest cuddle time in front on the new TV for tomorrow night -- jeese any number of things. And if you are still feeling hurt, I suggest you give it a few days to crystalize in your mind exactly WHY you are feeling hurt. It could be that in a few days, the issue will have resolved itself and there will be no need for you to bring it up. It could be that in a few days, it is still really bothering you, but your emotions are settled and you can deal with the issue in a more rational state.
Everyone is responsible for their own part in the relationship, and that includes your wife. She probably didn't say anything to you because she didn't want to disappoint you, but that doesn't 'let her off the hook.' See?
You need to pick and choose your battles. Was this a 'hill to die on?' If so, why? If not, how do you move past it without resentment? If you feel your emotions are in turmoil and anger is welling within you, yes, you owe it to yourself and her to remove yourself from the situation and give yourself some distance until you have a clear handle on what's going on. If you give in to your emotions and 'let loose' on her, the issue is going to become about your 'emotional state,' and not what really is the crux of the problem.
You must give her a safe environment in which to communicate with you; she must be held accountable for being honest and open with you.
