To Pursue or Not

[Arcola]

Today W and I had some email exchange that eventually led to emails in regards to sitch. Through these exchanges I called her out on her kiss with OM and planning her future life with OM. She didn't speak any on the kiss, but felt she wasn't planning her future with OM. She did in one email say that she realizes we both contributed to get us where we are now. She admitted she doesn't talk to OM much anymore (the husband of the couple we're friends with has confirmed this; he works at the same place as W) and resents him for bringing to the light the emotional void she needed filled. She also says she never expected her life to be this way (living in not so good area, smaller house, having to work 2 jobs, separated) and that she didn’t want OM but the idea that someone could actually want to be with her. Lastly, she says she made the choices that put her here.

In reply to her email about somebody wanting her, I said, "I feel we are on separate pages during this separation. I hope that you recall the times I've, to me, put myself out there or my feelings and how I
feel about our living situation. I will say though, I want to be with you and I always have." Her reply below (NOTE: the first paragraph is about an issue I felt we've always had that came up today)

" I see that, I'm very easily frustrated, especially with you, even when you are trying to help. When I've talked to people about it, it seems to be the common response is because there are so many other things that I'm frustrated with when it comes to you that maybe it comes out at those times. I can see how that is possible.

We are on separate pages, I agree. You have told me on a few occasions that you want to get back together and I still have no feelings toward that. I am still on the same page that I left off on the last time that we went to counseling or talked about me moving out. I don't think at any point in time I said I'm moving out but let's really work on fixing this. It had been so many years of me missing something from you and now you are so eager to fix things and think that I am wrong for not giving it another try. You think I have given up and that it's not fair that I'm not giving you the opportunity to prove yourself and that you can change but I have given you chances, years of chances and now I'm tired of giving you chances. I get irritated when you try and invite me over for sex, I get irritated when you try and show me affection because it is so forced. For years I couldn't kiss you, hold your hand or even lay with you without you cringing, making a face or tensing up. Years of that have worn on me and I don't even want you to try anymore."

In my reply to her I said, " We've both admitted we're on different pages. I'm not saying this in hopes it convinces you. But my affection and advances aren't forced. I can't pinpoint what caused my actions in the past. I find you very attractive and aside from me being sensitive to touch except when we have sex I don't know why I cringed, didn't say and do things to let you know you were beautiful and I cared for you. I think it was just me. Something hadn't clicked or I hadn't matured to know what I know now."

What should my actions be based on her responses today?