Old dog seeks new trick 9

[Old Dog]

OD,

Posting your W's email here:

Yes, I ought to have let you know on Sunday what time I'd be back. In my mind it was enough that I'd said that I would be back in the afternoon. But, yes agreed, I did need to let you know I hadn't ended up in a ditch. So it won't happen in future.

Meantime, what is most troubling is the way you chose to address it. Once again you involved the children, in spite of me pointing out that to do so will breed insecurity in them. Rather than just text me yourself, S15 had to be involved in your dissatisfaction. Not content with passive-aggressive swiping at me via BFF (1), now you are involving your children as well (2).

The children:
It is S15 & S12 who are of particular concern to me here. The other people you carp about it to heard it all the first time around over (previous girlfriend), and can draw their own conclusions. S15 and S12 are our children. It will affect them and upset them. In spite of your personal dissatisfaction at what I am doing here, I have always taken the utmost care to look out for their feelings along the way. I have made sure to relay to them that they have nothing to fear, that their lives won't change radically, that they won't lose either of us, that we are managing it as grown ups. And I have never denigrated you to them, nor would I.

No second chance:
Yes, you are angry, we've all got that. You are angry that you haven't been given a second chance. I need to remind you that you were given a 20-year long chance when you were with me. It was a good relationship, but like all relationships it will have lacked on both sides. What was lacking for me I repeatedly pointed out to you. Not only were you incapable of addressing that with me, you steadfastly refused to do so. And just by way of a single isolated example here - for 20 years I assumed the reason I was never told I was beautiful was because I wasn't. (3)

But you've changed:
You claim I need to realise you've changed. If you've learnt about yourself lately, I'm pleased, but unfortunately for you in this case it's too little too late. In spite of this change, you seem to be behaving in the exact same way you did over (previous girlfriend) - your main aim being to ensure everybody around you realises how terrible it is for you.

So rather than point the finger at me continually, maybe take a look at yourself and what you are doing. And remember that in the end your passive aggression will hurt only you.

S15's operation:
S15 is having major surgery two weeks today. At this time more than any he needs to feel emotionally secure. As does S12. S15 is being expected to face his setback bravely and with dignity. You are one of his role models.

WAW
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I tell many newbies and newcomers to respond in 1-3 short paragraphs. You need to filter out white noise and respond using validation techniques. You would want to use KISS and STFU principles in your draft response. I'd suggest that you post the draft here for feedback.

What was the "issue" that W is referring to here as in 'this has been happening for 20 years'? Do you know what it is?

Right here's first draft. It probably isn't short enough or contain enough validation. What do you think?

Dear WAW

I just asked S15 to text me as I was leaving that minute and he was there. I was not trying to involve him in anything underhand, but point taken I should have texted you instead and will do in future.

The children are also my only concern as well. I am not trying to manipulate them, or anyone else for that matter. I am doing my best to handle this situation but very occassionally it gets to much to bear and I forget or am unable to. One of those times when I fell below my own standards was with BFF and I am sorry and ashamed to have involved her in this way: it was wrong and I apologised to her immediately. This was a solitary incident in a moment of weakness and I will not let it happen again.

Yes I do feel angry at times but I am acting very differently than before. I am doing my best to control any passive aggressive tendencies, I know more than anyone how damaging they can be. I have sought support from some friends but it has not included carping at you.

You do need to remind me of S15’s operation, and I am well aware of my responsibilities to my children. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I am always cheerful and upbeat with them and I never put you down in front of them. The fact that they still seem blissfully unaware of how serious the situation is, I think is proof of that.

Old Dog