Seperated, she is with someone - I'm desperate (2)

[vdubber]

Last night WAW messaged asking if S9 could come by and get a movie I bought them this weekend. I said yes, that it was a good movie, and I thought she would enjoy it also.

She said thank you but also said thanks for buying it for them and that she couldn't afford to buy them all that stuff...this really rubbed me the wrong way, I wanted to tell her she spends twice that much at the bar every night so her ability to afford it is limited by what she is setting as priorities in her life.

I didn't say that as it would have got ugly...but I wanted to. In fact I was driving when I got that message and was immediately upset and may have let a few f-bombs fly even though I was the only one that heard them.

I decided to message back saying I rarely buy stuff like that either and I hope she enjoyed watching it.

She messaged later thanking me again, then telling me goodnight, then sent me a picture message about a woman's mind being like having 5000 Internet browsers open all at once....?

I didn't respond. I am again struggling with the fact that she appears to be wanting to text me everyday now and while I truly love hearing from her i know it's not intended to be what I would want and is probably more of her way to establish friendship which frankly she does not deserve from me while OM is in the picture and I have clearly stated from her previously.

Saw my IC yesterday and told her she had been messaging me everyday and that I was conflicted between NC and daily contact. She asked me which was easier for me long term and i told her i honestly didn't know and my answer seemed to change day to day but I do not want her to think she can just have me as a friend so NC is probably the right thing but I still had worries that NC put me out of sight out of mind and if she had any loving feelings for me at all it allowed those to further diminish and fade away.

Why is it so hard to let go?...I don't want to be a friend and be safe and predictable. I want to be mysterious and intriguing but really don't think she could ever notice as we don't ever see each other. Sometimes I feel it's a no win situation and then I think I know that's why I need to only worry about me. Problem is I'm still worried about her noticing me and how to make that happen...why can't I just drop this fantasy?