Hello everyone. I've read through both DB & DR and I'm trying to follow the plan to the best of my ability. Hopefully someone can help make sure I'm on the right track.
First a bit of back ground.
We've been married for 8.5 years, together for 13. No kids, 2 cats.
The wife and I were participating in the swinging lifestyle. We've had our ups and downs along the way but mostly we got a lot of good out of it. Recently we started hanging out with a couple and they asked for a poly relationship. We figured we'd try it, but along the way I felt like the W was drifting away. I kept asking for us to not spend as much time with the other couple (OC?), but she kept insisting that she wanted to. She would often say things like "well I'll just go without you then" which in the moment would hurt me because she would rather spend time with them then between the two of us. We had our arguments about the situation but when she would talk to me about it things would be better for a while. I never felt like I could talk to the OC about it because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. We had even planned a vacation together for Feb 23-Mar 2.
Anyway long story short Feb. 13th we were going to meet up with the couple but we had another argument about them and I called them up to say we all needed to talk. I think the W was afraid I was going to call the whole thing off. She asked that we go home instead and talk. On the way home she asked for a divorce, saying saying we're best friends and ILYBNILWY and that she thought we wanted different things out of life. After I broke Sandi2's rule number 1 she left the house to spend the weekend with the OC. She told me to take care of the cats but in my anger I told her I wouldn't. Later that evening I of course followed her and again broke rule number 1 and 7. The W claimed that she needed time and space, repeated the ILYBNILWY, said she had no more tears for me and so I eventually, reluctantly returned home.
Sunday the 16th she called me asking how I was doing. I told her I was okay and if she felt she needed more time I could stay with a friend. She said she needed more time and so I moved out. During the week I was out she got her own apartment only taking some clothes and pictures of her family from our apartment, and pulled her money from our joint bank account.
I backed off from Sunday the 16 until the 19th when I called her. Again I broke several of the rules during this phone call. She told me she cancelled the vacation. Turns out she just cancelled my portion and still went with the OC. So I tried to call/txt on the 19th-21st both to talk about finances and discuss the trip. I wanted to tell her I wasn't mad, jealous, etc about the trip and that I wanted her to have a good time.
I called the W again before she left on the 23rd. Again to tell her I wasn't mad, jealous, etc about the trip and that I wanted her to have a good time and to get reassurances that this was just a separation. She admitted she already had secured her own apartment but didn't want to say anything either way in terms of the D or just a separation. I asked if we could talk after she got back and she said "sure maybe we can even go to lunch." After her plane left I (stupidly) sent pics of the cats saying they missed her, and that she had some prescriptions to pick up. Her birthday occurred later that week and I texted that I was thinking of her. Because she was out of the country she didn't get any of these until she got back on Mar. 2nd. It was Friday the 27th that I picked up DB and DR and realized all the wrong things I was doing so I've been trying to get enact the Last Resort Technique.
Monday she txted me 5 hours after her plane landed saying she was back and asked about the cats and if I had been staying with them. I had moved back in to take care of the house (one of the things she found I was lacking in doing as a husband) and the cats, and told her I had done so. She replied positively. Tuesday she asked if I had done our taxes, I told her I did and we got our return last week and asked her if she wanted her half of the return or if I should roll it into paying off our credit card debt. She still hasn't replied.
I've been trying to GAL and take care of myself. I've been going back to church and making new friends. I've been seeing a therapist and getting help and support from family and friends to try and get through this. I've gone through and trying to make a hierarchy of goals from the grand (get marriage back together) all the way down to the baby steps (have her call me and want to talk for 10 mins.)
I guess the questions I have is how to go about (if I even get the chance to) transitioning from the last resort into repair mode. I've been trying to envision the lunch date she mentioned and I know now not to pressure her or talk about the future. So that makes me think that if and when we do talk we keep it just a friendly "how're things going" conversation. However a part of me wants to ask that neither of us make any big decisions one way or another just yet. I worry because she's convinced herself she wants the poly thing to work and while I'm open to the idea of trying to make it work, meanwhile she's continuing to spend time with the OC which now makes it feel like its 3 against 1, where the OC is totally supporting her idea for a D and maybe even encouraging it.
Thank you for reading through this huge recollection of how badly I messed up before I got DB & DR. Any thoughts, suggestions, tips and words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!
