So D14 having rough day today. Lots of crying. She says H talks about his new GF all the time and it makes her uncomfortable. I told her that she should tell him it makes her uncomfortable. She's afraid he will get mad at her if she does and punish her by making her stay with him (instead of moving to home state with me). I told her that wouldn't happen, and that even though I'm not H's biggest fan right now, that I do know that he loves her and that none of this is her fault. Despite his actions, he loves her. She said, "Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. He never says he loves me first. I always have to say it to him."
Can I just say -- this is heartbreaking? And there is nothing I can do. I can't tell H this, as he will find a way to turn it against me and accuse me of something. And it's none of my business. It makes me crazy that he can't see what he's doing to his daughter. That he thinks she's okay (according to her own words), when she clearly is not.
She said she didn't want to make "big-girl decisions" (meaning about the move). I confirmed that she was okay with the move, in spite of it being hard to leave friends behind, and then assured her that her dad and I would make the decisions, so she need not worry in that regard.
I hate that he is doing this to her, and he is SO BLIND. I actually passed him in his car on my way to STD testing today. I felt physically repulsed at the sight of him. Nothing in the world could convince me to go back to him the way he is now. But still, everything I believed in and trusted to be true has been ripped away. It is so painful for me and D14, but H is floating around in his happy affair bubble. ARGH!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I can imagine you would feel utterly repulsed on your way to STD testing. I'm sorry you had even a passing encounter with him at that time, it can't have helped.
I know how awful it is for you to see your D14 hurting... but be glad she's being so open with you. It sure beats the alternative, I can tell you.
I like how resolved you are, Ahoy. I hope you're letting your hurt and anger out in other ways? I can't imagine all this is hitting you as stoically as you sometimes sound.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I definitely let my hurt and anger out on these boards, and in phone conversations with friends. I'm stoic about letting go of H because I truly don't want to be involved with that damaged bit of goods, but it's hard to understand how he can be so clueless about how our D14 might feel. But he's always been kind of wrapped up in his own head, very narcissistic (loves to hear himself talk), and lacking in empathy (no close friends), so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. What surprises me is how I couldn't have seen this coming, how I was so blind to these issues. I was just reading up on Kim Gordon/Thurston Moore Sonic Youth breakup, and she just came to a point where she realized he was truly a "lost soul." That is the EXACT way I described my H when he was telling me about his affair -- to him telling me he didn't know who he was anymore, couldn't believe he was "that guy" (who would break up his family this way, etc. He sees the problem, but can't or won't fix it. He has to pursue the affair.
I don't want that in my life. But my daughter has to keep him in her life, since he's her dad. The whole thing is hardest on her.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Terrible dreams. Daughter still sad and exhausted from crying last night. H is off having a blast, and I'm here picking up the pieces, trying to comfort D14 in the wake of his selfish acts. I know life isn't fair, and that things will get better in time, and that I need to focus on me and my daughter and the positives, but it is hard right now.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
D14 complaining of headache, stabbing stomach pains, fatigue, spinning room, bad taste in mouth. She's staying home from school. This is the second time in two weeks. I think it might be anxiety-related, as she had a really difficult night. I feel like I can't talk to her dad about this because he will think I am somehow blaming him.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ahoy, I'm so sorry that your D is having a bad time. And I'm sorry that you feel like you can't share it with her dad. That must be lonely. Hugs to you (((Ahoy)))
Argh. Just got a call asking for H -- he places orders for things, but never bothers to update his phone number or address, so I'm always having to deal with his deliveries. This time I just told the guy calling that H doesn't live here anymore because he left his family. I don't care! I'm sick of his nonsense and always having to take care of his business. I have my hands full dealing with D14's emotionally induced physical issues, which he knows nothing about because he wants to pretend everything is fine.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I hear you. I've also been telling people that -- mostly because I had to because things like the electric bill aren't in my name and require action on his part. I hate the pity I see from them and I hate the finagling.
I hope your daughter feels better and that you can help her find some coping skills.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
