Ganb8te 5 - Escaping the abyss

[gan]

...and just so y'all know where I'm at emotionally, here's the letter I did't send the other day (some familiar sections from the letter I didn't send in December). The last little bit is in reference to something I used to say:

... .... ...

I lost it during shavasana the other night. Tears streaming down my face as I lay there silently letting my body go. It’s moments like these that remind me that I am not done loving you. That - despite the pain of the past 9 months and my efforts to let go - I still feel that I have something more to give you.

Our marriage had some problems, true, and your decision to leave made sense in many ways. It still makes me sad that you decided to go, but I accept that you were unhappy and needed space. I don’t know how we got so off track the last few years. It’s easy to blame work but the reality is we both didn’t take the steps we needed to, to ensure this didn’t happen. I regret that immensely.

Did you ever read XX book by XXX, the book I mentioned in December? In many ways it put into words what I drew the night you told me you wanted to separate (two overlapping circles). He explains how important it is to maintain a sense of self when we are in a long term relationship. If we don't, we get lost and end up distancing ourselves from the other person to reduce the pressure we're feeling (the opposite of connection/intimacy). There was so much in this book that helped me see some of the unhealthy patterns in our relationship, and how I contributed to that dynamic.

If you never want to return to our relationship then I know I must accept this. I certainly don't want you to return to an unhappy marriage. I believe though that we are capable of having a fun and very different relationship if we make a decision to do that. How do I know that? Because I want to see you happy again and I still love you - all.