Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

[susana4]

PMA suffering a blow this morning. I think the wine was a bad idea. Since starting ADs I've noticed, in spite of my doctor saying it was ok to have a drink or two, that the next day I always feel quite down.

I got quite anxious earlier this morning thinking about my visa situation. H and I agreed at the beginning of January that once it came through we'd move out of the flat we're renting. We haven't spoken about it since, he hasn't even alluded to the flat (he has asked me twice if I had any news on the visa). I have no idea when the visa will come through, could be any time in the next few days to months, so there's just sort of this thought in the back of my mind constantly. It will mean S, likely no speaking to H again, quitting my job and taking a big financial cut but getting to go after my dream job. A huge amount of change, all at once. And it should be happy news, but instead H has made it into something difficult - and that makes me angry.

I said to my DB coach the other day I was getting a little frustrated I have no idea what's going on in H's head. I think she took it as me wanting to start an R talk, which I definitely don't. I guess I should count myself lucky he doesn't spew, I just feel like I have absolutely no idea what is going on in his head. He never complains, he never tells me how I hurt him, he never talks about a future together or apart. He just doesn't say anything about the future beyond next week. Nothing. DB coach said behaviours are more important than words anyway and I should monitor those, but sometimes I don't really know how or if I'm doing it right.

I don't know what brought on the sadness/anger this morning (ETA: I do know, the d@mned red wine!), but I found myself stewing in anger again this morning. I really need to work out how to move past the anger.

Right, enough borrowing trouble from the future. I need to stop ranting and get on with my day. Going to buy a huge caramel latte, I know it's not good to treat sadness with food but oh well, it works...