[BrightFuture]

Job, Wonka, Bea, Mighty, thank you for coming to my rescue. I’m so grateful for having you in my life.

No, nothing happened at work. Only the good stuff. I’m actually getting some bonus. And I still like my job and the people I work with.

Normally, when I come to work, I don’t think much about my sitch. I’m busy and interact with people. It is when I go home, I feel completely different. Like I’m in a different world. But this morning I struggled at work too, to pick up the pace.

There are other good things happening at work, like get together events and parties. So, I should feel great, right. I’m moving on with my life and doing fun things and making friends, etc. But, it is not the case recently. I’m struggling with all of this. I almost cried today when I was trying to decide whether I wanted to sing up for a beer brewing club. It is like I’m forcing myself to do all that stuff, but what I really want to do is to go home, crawl on the couch, cover my face with the blanket and do nothing.

I guess I still cannot get used to the thought that my life is different now. All the dreams that I had about growing older with H are gone now. And I cannot picture my life any different but being alone. I guess H’s visit reminded me of that. I cannot imagine being in another relationship. Nothing and nobody excites me. I have some decent vacation time this year, but I don’t know what to do with it. I want to travel, but I don’t like traveling alone.

I feel so alone. I feel different. Other people are able to move on with their lives. I seem to be unable to, in spite of what I’m trying to tell myself. I cannot show any of my feelings to my family or friends. I get beaten upside the head and slammed with “harsh truth” over and over again. They think they know better about what I need to do and don’t miss a change to remind me that H is a history, I should get over it by now and enjoy my life. I agree… I wish I could do it.

I’m sure there is more to process, but I’m just not good at putting it into words. I think I’m a hopeless case. When I think I’m moving on, I slide right back into the same old sh!t.