WAW-- LRT in action

[Starsky309]

Sandi and Starsky, I just finished reading a lot of threads and think you both offer such realistic and practical advice (particularly in the Kieran thread), I seek your counsel. I don't know if there is an affair, EA or PA. I return home tomorrow and I don't know how to act. W has said she likes the "new" me helping around the house, and being happy (My 180's). I just don't know what to do. Continue doing my 180's, but remain distant and detached?

The more I think about it, the less I want to stay married if there is an A.

Then if an affair is indeed a dealbreaker, I suggest you do some digging and find out for sure what's going on. It would also affect how I would advise you to DB, personally. Because if she is, and she's just cake-eating, I'd suggest you pull waaaaaaayyy back. If she's not, and she's just a "walkaway wife," I'd suggest a slightly different approach. Either way you still do 180s, GAL . . . do your own self-improvements. But you'd DEFINITELY not want to do ANYTHING that smacks of pursuing or in any way of "condonement" if she's cheating on you.

Starsky

[SadDood]

I've tried finding evidence of an A, but haven't gotten any solid leads. I honestly think she's just a WAW, but until I have some sort of evidence, even circumstantial, I'll just keep doing 180's and GAL. Thank you for responding!

If and when she reveals an A, I'll be much better equipped to deal with it than if I hadn't read all these threads. I can tell she is trying and reaching out, but everything she has said is in the WAS script. I'm mentally bracing myself for that possibility.

I really wish I hadn't planned that date for friday. It was supposed to be a 180. I planned for someone to watch the kids, got a hotel, called our friends who survived an A and are now very strong together. I can tell it's much too soon and I'll probably go through with it and have a good time, even if just pretending.

[SadDood]

Can someone link me to Sandi's advice about ML during this time. I saw a reference to something she said, but haven't been able to find it.

So far, I'm still playing it cool. Haven't initiated contact since yesterday afternoon. I can feel the tension building. Sticking to my guns, since I know I'll be going home tomorrow. Really wishing there was a PDF version or ebook of DR that I could download and start reading immediately.

As much help is there on these threads, I think it almost makes detaching more difficult. I'll get to a good spot in my head and think I've detached, even momentarilly, then I read a few posts and start to feel very angry and resentful. I'll go on another walk telling myself to detach and every thing seems to be a little bit better.

I just wish I had more guidance and understood better what is going on in my W's head. I wish she'd tell me about an A so that I could just get over that emotional hurdle.

[MrBond]

Why havent' you ordered the books yet? You've been here long enough to have gotten them through the mail.

You keep referencing things like LRT, but you don't even know what LRT is because it's detailed in the books.

[SadDood]

I ordered DR off of Amazon 3 days ago. I've been gone for a week at work and return home tomorrow. I'm hoping the book arrives shortly.

In the meantime, I don't know how to act when I get home tomorrow.
My plan is to spend time with the kids and be as normal as possible. Be polite and courteous to wife, but not over do it. Wife has been much more tender lately and almost pursuing me. I'm not sure when to let my guard down.

[EyeTie]

When to let your guard down? How about when she commits 100% to fixing the marriage instead of walking away when SHTF? I too am dealing with a wishy-washy WAW who one minute sends me emails talking about past vacations and how much fun we have, then the next is demanding a divorce. I am currently getting a life without her, she is aware of my activities and it's driving her nuts, she is voicing it to other people. I know why too, because said activities are completely out of my normal comfort zone. BUT that is why I am doing it, for myself not for her. I am working on getting comfortable in my own skin again and not being an "us".

So keep doing things for you, keep working on you, you can do it. Don't play the game, don't let her keep getting your hopes up only to crush them a second later. Be positive, be smart and be happy.

[MrBond]

First of all, you don't have to do the "LRT". You don't understand what that means and what "going dim" means. Your W hasn't initiated D or pushed for a L, etc.

Right now your W has been consistent in saying that you didn't appreciate the things she did for you. This includes doing the household chores.

Have you stepped it up in helping her? You say that her LL is Acts of Service, so what have you been doing to do that? Right now things are going on the right track. Take it slow and easy. Stop pressuring her with R talks. Get to enjoy one another again. That's what she wants. You can guide her to the right path gently. But make it HER decision.

[SadDood]

Mr. Bond, Thank you for this response! This is what I hoped to hear. I'll read the book as soon as it arrives (and probably re-read it a few times).

I don't fully understand the LRT and have just assumed Sandi's 37 rules was the LRT.

Should I continue doing Sandi's list?

[MrBond]

First of all it's not "sandi's" list. It's from DB and Sandi had just reported it before from another poster years ago.

Second, I mentioned what you need to do above. Answer those questions first and we'll help with your course of action. The biggest thing about DB is change. What EXACTLY have you changed in yourself?

[SadDood]

I have not posted in a while, so, I figured I would give a status update. I had been doing ALL the housework, cleaning, dishes, even my W's laundry. I hadn't detached and was completely supplicating. I did not understand what Sandi had told me earlier in my thread.

Things were going quite well. While I was away at work (I work in the oilfields away from home for 2 weeks at a time and am home for 2 weeks at a time on a 2 on/2 off schedule). She said she loved me and I immediately chomped at her breadcrumbs. We were texting constantly throughout the day and she would tell me she loved me (never iniated by me) and I would reply that I loved her back. When I returned home, W was cold and said she must admit that she does not feel the same way for me as I do for her. We get along quite well, but I think I am getting friendzoned. She has admitted when I pull back she draws nearer and when I push, she draws back. After letting me know she did not feel the same way, I handled it quite well. I have only shown here happiness and contentment. I still have no evidence of an A, but W has said everything in the script and I have my suspicions, though no concrete evidence. There is no transparency RE: cellphone, FB, or email. I have not even tried to spy.

I have since received DB and probably have read it 5 or 6 times in the last month, even re-reading several relevant portions.

I do suspect my W has gone wayward, whether it is imaginary, EA or PA, I am pretty sure she is a WW. But, I'm still not sure whether she is just a WAW or WW.

Since coming back here, I have read Sandi's threads about how to deal with a WW, over and over again, front to back. I plan to cut and paste all of the relevant posts from Sandi, PatientMan, and Wonka in particular, to a word document for easier reading. (at work only, I just returned to work today)

W stated that she still needed more space, so I left the house a few days early (did not tell her I was going to, I just did).
After doing so, and re-reading Sandi's threads, I sent her a text that was very succinct saying she would need to get her own bank account, and find a place to live. This was a big step, and I felt a huge burden lift and felt more detached than ever. Ever since, I have felt that I am in control of the situation (not her) and have felt good about my sitch. I made it seem as if I was dumping her. I now do not care what she does, if she lies, or anything else for that matter. It is truly empowering.

After further discussion, I said she could live in the Mother-in-Law apartment, while I am home so that she could be near the kids. But after re-reading Sandi's threads, I decided against it and sent her the email below. Fortunately, I am not fully bluffing and prepared to go through with it. This isn't a gimmick