Ganb8te 5 - Escaping the abyss

[gan]

Thanks for weighing in.

Toots - thanks for pointing me to those books. I did a quick google and some of the sections I found from Marshall definitely rang true. I'll add them to the list. I will most likely check in while I am away. I can't go long before I start wondering what is going on with my DB family!

Mozza - thanks for this. I flip flop myself between thinking "what's the point" and "I need to try some thing different". Without kids, NC actually means NC. A few people have suggested I try to reach out a bit more given that pitch black NC doesn't seem be shifting things (the alternative of course is that maybe not enough time has elapsed or he's just plain moved on). On reflection, his invites to meet up often follow me breaking the silence first. I'm just struggling to figure out what the best way to do this is. Lisa and Zelda have suggested a few more big ticket items (dates, banter) but I sense that would be a stretch (0 to 100km/hr). I'm still looking for the 0-12km/hr option that doesn't seem too weird against a backdrop of not having communicated meaningfully since December.

I thought the upcoming trip could be an opportunity for that - and maybe create a bit of the mystery (my last travel GAL got under his skin). It's not an invite, just a suggestion that we could get together when I get back. The ball is in his court. Actually I will only be back 1.5 weeks before heading off again. The song bit - that's probably 25km/hr. It's a good song though

June, eh? That's when we can file.

[Zelda09]

Gan,

At risk of having all kinds of vets jump all over me for this, I'll put food for thought out here -

I made no progress in my situation while I ignored the hurt and frustration in my husband and while I GALed and Went darkish as he withdrew further. Space was needed, yes. But, after he cooled down, he very quickly moved further and further into emotional divorce land.

You guys have been strangers to each other for a while now. His comments about compatibility, dating others...I just don't know if more of the same is going to change anything for you.

In my case with H's anger and frustration, it was only when we discussed that hurt and frustration after his space - and he felt he was understood, new hope became possible over the emotional connection we started to reestablish. (Granted, I went in with a mission and a dramatic entry into his place he ran to, and maybe that's not appropriate for your sitch, I suspect something a little more lighthearted to start would better suit the sitch...)

I think that if you still want your husband, it may be time to very gently reach for him? Not to persuade him to come back into the relationship - never that -but to connect, seek to understand, show him you accept ...and spark like a big fireworks, you guys did it as kids!

What do you think, Gan? To just flat out ask him to dinner, event, drinks, whatever because you'd like to see him, make it fun, ignite some hope that things could be new? Worst case, he can say is no. Which... Is that any worse than a text that gets ignored at this point?

With <3 for you.

[Vanilla]

Gan

I love Z post on this the gently reaching part. I am unsure your text achieves this though seems contrived.

Let me know when you hit London and perhaps a couple of recommendations?

Covent Garden or the South Bank, walk from one to the other over Waterloo Bridge, please visit the London Eye and see London in its glory at dusk. Walk over the wobbly bridge to St Paul's cathedral from the Sourh Bank.

Shopping on Oxford Street.

Recommendation for restaurant? Try China Town by night, extraordinary Lee Ho Fuk with the rudest Chinese waiters in town. Or the Thai Melati on Peter St in Soho. You must visit Leicester Square nearby or do the Ripper tour in Whitechapel. Foyles book store by Tottenham Court Road perhaps. The National Portrait gallery for culture. So much to do.........

GAL for your life, intrepid explorer gan. I look forward to your memoirs.

V

[gan]

That's because it *is* contrived, V!

Zel, V, all - help me figure out how to gently reach. I would love to but I am stumped on how to do this. Reach while not pursuing or stimulating R talk...

Email - what to say?
Posted letter - what to say?
Phone call - what to say?
Text message - what to say?
Rock up on his doorstep - what to say? or more importantly what to wear? Seductive lingerie and dressing gown no doubt

I hear you suggesting "fun" and "light-hearted"- how does one go from no contact to proposing something fun? Last time I saw him over drinks I was all PMA while he sat opposite me expressing his frustration at the way of things (throwing peanut shells across the table). The time before that he was sad and scoffed down his food. Very hard to engage in fun/light-heartedness. Please help me see a way past that...

I leave around noon tomorrow. Thanks for all the suggestions V. I've done a few of those things before but may well need to visit them again.

[gan]

...and just so y'all know where I'm at emotionally, here's the letter I did't send the other day (some familiar sections from the letter I didn't send in December). The last little bit is in reference to something I used to say:

... .... ...

I lost it during shavasana the other night. Tears streaming down my face as I lay there silently letting my body go. It’s moments like these that remind me that I am not done loving you. That - despite the pain of the past 9 months and my efforts to let go - I still feel that I have something more to give you.

Our marriage had some problems, true, and your decision to leave made sense in many ways. It still makes me sad that you decided to go, but I accept that you were unhappy and needed space. I don’t know how we got so off track the last few years. It’s easy to blame work but the reality is we both didn’t take the steps we needed to, to ensure this didn’t happen. I regret that immensely.

Did you ever read XX book by XXX, the book I mentioned in December? In many ways it put into words what I drew the night you told me you wanted to separate (two overlapping circles). He explains how important it is to maintain a sense of self when we are in a long term relationship. If we don't, we get lost and end up distancing ourselves from the other person to reduce the pressure we're feeling (the opposite of connection/intimacy). There was so much in this book that helped me see some of the unhealthy patterns in our relationship, and how I contributed to that dynamic.

If you never want to return to our relationship then I know I must accept this. I certainly don't want you to return to an unhappy marriage. I believe though that we are capable of having a fun and very different relationship if we make a decision to do that. How do I know that? Because I want to see you happy again and I still love you - all.

[gan]

^^^^

What if I change the text to:
"Hey H. I'm off to Europe today, back on 23 March. Would be nice to see you when I get back. Will you be around that week - say on the Saturday?"

Is that gently reaching?

Am traveling 1-20 April too hence desire to (try to) lock in something now.

[Sotto]

Hi Gan - it may be too much to try and get him to sign up to meeting. What if you were just to say you hope he's doing ok and that you're heading off to Europe for a few weeks for X and y..and looking forward to it.

He may not reply
He may reply and say I'm doing great - have a good time
He may reply and say I'm doing great - have a good time - may be good to meet up when you get back...

I think his response will give you more of a feel for where he's at and you can maybe have a think about what you want to do next...

[Calibri]

Gan,

What about:

"Hey H, Would you be available for drinks on X date? Will have just gotten back from Europe and would love to ________ (tell you all about it, see you, figure out what the hell you're doing, tell you about this new band I found."

I can't gently anything. I'm more of a forceful rammer (ooohhh naughty), but I do think it's good that you're reaching out.

[Zelda09]

In my humble experiences, trying to communicate anything about feelings or past R in email, text...doesn't work. These are emotional statements, best served up with eye contact and feeling - if you can get to them. Love letters good- reflective monologues not good.

I like Calibri's approach. Failing that, show up on his doorstop, grinning like an old friend. As my H's friend told me, it's about doing what is in your heart and what is right for you - don't worry about how he'll take it, that's up to him. No regrets.

Learn about him and where he's coming from before you try to express your thoughts, I think.

An evening can start off light and go in infinite directions. The point would be to connect about anything - past joys, regrets even, new bands, support and excitement for his life goals, acceptance, unconditional love, flirt, however you want to roll that burrito if you can create the chance, light on expectations.

I wish I had specific ideas for you :-/

[Calibri]

Hi Gan - it may be too much to try and get him to sign up to meeting. What if you were just to say you hope he's doing ok and that you're heading off to Europe for a few weeks for X and y..and looking forward to it.

He may not reply
He may reply and say I'm doing great - have a good time
He may reply and say I'm doing great - have a good time - may be good to meet up when you get back...

I think his response will give you more of a feel for where he's at and you can maybe have a think about what you want to do next...

Good Advice Toots! I really like that approach.