I would think that I was going totally crazy if I didn't step back and look at what has happened to me in the past year and a half. If I didn't acknowledge the crazy $hit that has been bombarding me... I'd would be seriously concerned. My emotions are ALL. OVER. THE. FREAKING. PLACE!
Yet, I think that is a good thing??? At least I'm not stuck. And HOPEFULLY this isn't permanent. If that's the case, then I'm definitely going to go friggin crazy.
This may be the longest that xh has gone without contacting me. That's good. I totally feel panic stricken when I see his contact name come up on my phone. It's not in his name, because just seeing his name would increase the amount of anxiety.
No, when I hear I a text come through, I still get slightly jumpy and anxious when I see who it's from. It's back to how I felt awhile back. Ick.
Yet, it still makes me a little uneasy with no contact. Not that I want it. At all. Just weird. I know... it means I'm not totally detached. I get it. I am acknowledging it. Working on it.... just... uneasy, I guess.
job- your post to me yesterday was beautiful. Always so calming and insightful. And you are right, xh's feelings towards me are not anything that I want for a husband. And I find it so insulting for him to want to act like my friend while after what he did. Not even give me the dignity or respect to have a conversation. Pursue a r with her and be my buddy w no explanation. It is just so wrong on so many levels.
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He cannot see a way out of this, nor can he see a way back to you, so he convinces himself to keep going the opposite direction because that way, even if he is not happy, it just hurts less. And that's all he can handle.
Shining ^^^ Well said! That is so accurate, I believe. I can totally see him going through the motions. Maybe it's like "new" again and they have their new baby, but that does not equate to inner peace and happiness. I don't know how anyone can truly be happy with how that r started and how he left his family. For either of them. Someone who is really happy inside, I don't think, could do what they did and be at peace with it. Superficial people, but I don't believe they are truly happy inside.
uR:
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The way I see it is, that in life, we come to expect it to go a certain way. But then life throws us some tough stuff from time to time.
We only get this one shot and we get to choose how we take it.
Yes, uR! This is one of those things that just gives me a sweet reality check. Life isn't over for me. It's just different. I am so blessed. There are others out there suffering way more than me. This is life! This is what happens. Crap, sometimes. But, there is more to it than crap. That's the stuff I need to focus on, surround myself with, and work towards. Thank you for that much needed reminder!
Hey, Karma! So confusing, aren't they! That's why its best not to figure it out. That's what all my peeps here keep telling me! It is hard to see these men w younger women, huh? I mean, I still thought I was pretty spry and youthful... until he left me for a 25 year old. Ouch! After reading your post, it dawned on me.. when xh turns 40, hww and our son with both be in their 20's. Her age weird's my kids out.
AJ- first, I wanna say.... AMAZING post to Wet earlier. I loved it, loved what you shared, and was able to benefit from that post. Thank you for sharing.
Yeah, I am mad that I wasn't given a say. But, I don't even know what I was going to say! I was all up for taking things slowly, setting boundaries.. that stuff. I knew I had changed and things would be different. Xh, I believe, anticipated coming right back in and everything would pick up where he left off. I mean, he was acting like it, totally. And talking like it, too. I was a little stand-offish about that. It made me nervous.
And two things: one... the post earlier which said they don't like being alone... well it was like 2 days after I really stood firm about having some time and space is when he started staying w hww. It took like a week to get it through to him. He fought me on it, but I stood my ground (I wanted him to settle things w the baby and get on track) and he bailed- blind sided again. Didn't realize how he really couldn't be alone. Of course I have had my moments questioning how I could have done that differently, but I realize if that's all it took for him to jump in the sack with hww- AGAIN, after his declaration of finality there, it wasn't right. And not something I would have wanted to engage in, anyway.
And two: your post to Wet about you being over it before your w. I think in a way that it is the same here. Xh was truly surprised when I told him I didn't contact him bc I truly didn't want anything to do with him. He really thought, like I said, he could just jump back in without change or repercussion. No way, Jose! And if he thinks I'm on stand-by now... he will be sorry.
I don't think he has ever grieved the loss of our m. Thought he could come back whenever(?). And irrationally jumped back in w hww (shocker??). So... perhaps when he does... if he does... ever sort through stuff... I think he will be shocked at what happened. And I think he will be shocked at where he finds me in my life.
Maybe not!
I could be all wrong. Clearly, it wouldn't be the first time.
Just some ramblin' thoughts for today. I need to do that.
