Discovering the buck stops here....

[mizjjd]

Hello All.

Can hardly believe its been 8 months since I last checked in.

First, to all the newbies. Hang in there. You may be hurting like you've never hurt before, but you will get better. "Better" may not be getting-everything-you-want, but you will heal and strengthen. My prayers to you.

Second, to any who might remember and wonder, an update.

S22 Has moved out. Hasn't taken his cats yet, I'm hoping that will be very soon. He drinks too much and too often. With our family history that is a big worry. But he is an adult. I can't fix him. And I can't let worry for him rule my life.

D20 Back in rehab for the second time to deal with her heroin addiction. She has dropped, finally, the 34 year old BF who helped introduce her to heroin. No job, no prospects. More big worry. Another adult I can't fix and can't let worry for rule my life.

S18A In his 2nd semester of college. Seems to be doing ok. Have recently found out he "parties". Imagine being happy to learn its "only" pot... never would have thought I'd be capable of thinking that... but having a heroin addicted child rather skews one's perspective.

S18B Also in college. Not remotely ok. He parties with a capital P. And... seems to have had a psychotic break a couple weeks ago. Ended up committing himself for a couple days of observation. Discovered that while he hasn't used heroin or cocaine, there's not much else he hasn't used. And apparently he's very fond of LSD and Molly. Which I'm sure helped him have a psychotic break. This break coincided with a break up. H has decided the break up is "not only the focal point of the break, but also the cause." I am not so sure. But, I have a huge bias against drugs and so tend to find them at fault in most situations.

H. Still here... OW is gone. Sort of replaced though. H has made a "pen pal" out of someone he met through online poker. I don't think he knows that I know. The emails are PG at the most (rather boring after the aching thighs of the last one lol) but he hides them from me and never mentions her. And, he never mentions me in his emails to her either. So, yeah, its cheating. Oddest thing in finding the first one though was an absence of feeling on my part. It was, is, rather like discovering a knife protruding from your arm but being unable to feel any pain.

Anticlimactic. Just another sign of how far I have come, how much the marriage has changed. It may change more drastically fairly soon because H has decided someone must go watch over his parents. And that someone, he has decided, will be him. His plan is for him to go live in Canada with his folks while I remain here in Ohio "keeping things going and being here if the kids need me." He plans to possibly work part time while there and send money to me.

Sounds like a bit of magical thinking to me. But, truth be told, it also sounds ideal. Not, mind you, that H ever asked me if I would be ok with it. (Why start concerning himself with me at this point in the game?)His parents don't seem to think its a good idea, something about "breaking up our family". H assures them its not a problem because the kids are at school/moved out etc and Jaye'll be here for them and H is only 9 hours away. Do you notice, ladies and gents, that there is not a single mention of perhaps Jaye, perhaps the marriage being part of the equation? Thank heavens I am at a point where I can find that amusing instead of painful.

And as for Jaye. Still shining along. I lost my wonderfuljob. I started to decline last summer, started making mistakes, couldn't concentrate. They let me go just after Christmas. And... within a month I was recruited for another job, same pay, 1 mile from my house. Badda bing. Lol. And I am still at fastfoodland, still working 7 days a week. And still not making enough money to make it on my own. Had surgery in January, $7000 after insurance. But, and perhaps H is right and I am the crazy one, life is good.

Yep. Could be crazy. I have a drunk child, a junkie child and a psychotic child and a fairly average child. I have a H who is a serial cheater and a M that has slipped off the rocks and is now floundering in the cesspool between the rocks. But lol, I'm ok. Life is good. I look forward to things, I plan small celebrations - H and I are going out to dinner for our 23rd anniversary next week - I have some goals for myself. I am working out. I feel good. My life is not perfect, nearly perfectly awful in fact lol. But I am ok.

Gotta run. Treadmill's calling me, and I have to feed those damn cats... lol. I'm all for detachment and having others be responsible for themselves, but, the cats are hungry.

I have seen that Job and Cadet and many other wonderful people are still here, earning stars in their crowns. May god bless us all.

Take care,

Love,

Jaye