I was surprised at how much it helped not to talk about our R all the time. I was afraid that we would be sweeping things under the rug. But no, it's done a lot for both of our stress levels.
Are you that surprised given how it all went downhill after each R talk? Even at nighttime when those talks were at it's worst?
Talking about the R just makes you all focus on the bad parts...that entails W focusing on the negatives which puts you on the defensive. Not very productive or solution-oriented, right?
I think it would be best to use the time out of MC to work on reconnecting. I'd suggest that you find ways to inject humor for laughter is the best bonding chemical between spouses. Tell a joke or engage in a friendly banter.
Even a simple joking comment-- "I'm such a class act" if you fumble over some project or household chore...
(FYI, Ms. Wonka and I spoke on the phone last Friday afternoon...one of our rare phone calls. I make a joke to her and Ms. Wonka laughed as she was visibly a bit nervous. Humor...beats everything else, right?)
You get the idea.
I think your W has given you a very important clue about getting validation from the XOM. Are you able to do this? Can you?!
One of the former moderators, JamesJohn (the BEST one ever), relayed to me how he was able to rebuild the connection with his W in the sense that he was the only one who knew her interests, hobbies, etc. He told me one story of how he and his wife enjoyed attending some antique shops. Then he went and bought his wife a particular book that he knew his W would enjoy. Those things are what husbands and wives know about each other after being in a long-term marriage.
My point is to really think back to a time when you and W were in tune with each other during happier times. What things makes W tick? What makes W giddy?
