WAW-- LRT in action

[SadDood]

Last night she text me a picture of a "happiness" quote that basically says "Happiness begins with you". I just casually replied "100% in agreement". A few minutes later, I text her "What's something you've always wanted to do, but haven't?" And she started a casual list of some of her bucket list items. I genuinely liked her list. I made a few of my own and asked her if she felt like making a bucket list? She responded "Sure!"
For the next two hours we text ideas and commented on each other's ideas. It was actually kind of fun. A lot of emoticons and LOL's. Told her we need to do more things like this, anything but talk about the R. She agreed.

By the end, I sent her a link to MWD's Walk Away Wives youtube video. 5 minutes later I get a text that reads "HOLY F---!! I feel like that woman has been a ghost watching our marriage for the past 8 years" I said, "I know, right?" and she responded "WOW! Thank you for sending!"

I never let on that I've been to this site or know anything about DB/DR. Passed it off as I was casually searching youtube.

I know I'm not supposed to talk about the future, but I mentioned that if I proactively planned one of the fun weekend trips if she'd be interested in going? She simply responded, "Absolutely! You've never taken the time to plan anything, arrange sitters for the kids, or get dressed up for dates. I find it so attractive that you're looking into this stuff."

I'm obviously not back to where we once were, but I feel so much more optimistic. I know I'm not doing the steps right, but I'm seizing opportunities when they arise and learning more about my W. I think things are going better than expected, especially compared to where they were 2 weeks ago.

[SadDood]

Also, the texting was fun and really gave me a chance to think about my answers before responding that I wouldn't have had, had we been face to face.

[sandi2]

Well, there doesn't have to be a third party involved, for her to be a WAW.

How long ago did you feel her pulling away sexually?

[SadDood]

a couple months ago she started growing distant.

[SadDood]

OK, latest update. I haven't been DBing to the letter, but what I'm doing seems to be working. W and I have talked quite a bit on the phone, text and gmail chat. My 180's have been to clean the house, dress nicely (business casual style), help more with the kids, be happier around my W, and to show confidence.

I've been gone for four days now on a business trip, but things are going as well as can be expected. I'm not usually the one to initiate contact, but have a few times. W has said she likes the new me and that I'm making her laugh again. I force myself to smile when I'm talking on the phone because I read somewhere that people can tell. I've been listening and validating. I purposely "choose" to be happy and hide how miserable I am inside. Additionally, I haven't been able to detach because the results so far have been positive.

One of the issues in the marriage was that she did EVERYTHING, cooking, cleaning, etc., while working a full time job. I had a assumed that since I made much more money, I was exempt from most chores. I did the manly stuff like take the garbage out, clean the garage. But, I never planned dates or put any effort into showing her that I truly cared. The more I do around the house, the more I realize she's been exhausted.

Yesterday, I asked if she'd be receptive if I planned a date (a big DB no-no). And she said she would. I made a reservation at a nice restaurant that is about an hour away and booked a nice hotel (in our recent talks, she said she loves staying at hotels). I also called a couple that is very close to us both who survived infidelity and are now, seemingly, the strongest couple we know to join us for dinner (the restaurant is located at a decent midpoint). I also called her Mom to see if she could watch the kids for the night. This is a huge 180, because I've never done this sort of thing (she always did). I'm both nervous and excited to see how this goes.

W has been mentioning that what we're going through has to be common and a lot of people have made it through and mentioned the couple I invited to dinner with us, ironically. Her tone is warm and she is laughing a lot, but she hasn't said "ILY," and I don't expect her to say it. I can just tell there's a lot of love left in there.

This could all be a smokescreen, but I'm legitimately convinced she's liking the new me. She's worried that I'll revert back to the way I was, which is understandable. Trying not to get too excited because the wounds are still raw. I get back Wednesday and we have another MC on Thursday.

Not sure what to make of this whole situation. Inside, I'm still dying from the "ILYBINILWY" talk we had a few weeks ago.

I know, not really DBing, but it seems to be working. Should I change anything?

[SadDood]

Additionally, we both took the "5 love languages" test and she scored highest in acts of service, which surprised me, but not her and I scored highest in words of affirmation which surprised her, but not me. We both got a good laugh and were curious about each other's results. We've been speaking the wrong LL to each other all these years. Going forward, I think this will be very helpful.

[SadDood]

OK, major backslide and I was much too optimistic about what was going on with my W. Time to start going dim again. After a few good days of keeping it light, I started asking questions about the future, what she's feeling, etc., etc. Time to go back to the 37 steps.

My W sent me this email today, and I interpreted it as a thoughtful "Stay back, I'm not ready!" memo. I still don't suspect an affair, but who really knows.

The first part deals with the fact that I got an email stating she changed her gmail password and called her to see what's up. I told her I didn't even have access to her account and haven't been spying on her.

-----------------------

Hi there,

Please don't over-analyze the e-mail thing. I changed my password after you told me you were reading my texts. I was mad and annoyed so I changed everything. I guess I didn't pick a very good password because I didn't remember what I changed it to. You can always have access to my things, I just didn't like that you were being sneaky about it. I have nothing to hide from you. I cannot promise you what the future holds, but I Can promise you that. I truly have nothing to hide.

I'm so happy you are making the choice to live a happier/healthier you! I need to follow your lead on that. I feel like I'm healthy, but my head is not healthy right now. I get lost in thoughts, thinking of the future, thinking of the past, our kids, you, our families.. it overwhelms me most of the day. So I'm trying to just focus on work when i'm at work. Focus on home when I'm at home. Focus on the kids when I'm with them. That way I don't feel like I'm constantly drowning.

I really have enjoyed the few moments of getting to "know you" again. I guess that's why I haven't wanted to talk about our relationship lately. When we talk about our marriage it makes me super sad. I feel like a really bad person and cry a lot. I just feel like I don't want to cry anymore right now. I don't want to be sad or mad right now. I just want to be happy. And when we talk about things other than our broken marriage, we both laugh, smile and enjoy each other again. I want to have fun with you and try and re-build a love that has been lost... until we can find our friendship again, I don't know that we can find that type of love again.

The reason I asked you 2 weeks ago for space is that I wanted to have time to clear my mind. To find out what I'm truly thinking... and what I want. I don't get much un-interrupted time in my day to day life. There is always something I have to deal with. Literally from the minute I wake up in the morning, until 8:00 that night... I have something I have to deal with. And to be honest, by 8:00 I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I wanted space to think about things. To have some time to listen to my heart and my head... without having these heavy conversations about the future. I feel bad telling you how i"m feeling because I don't ever want to hurt you. Ever. It has been easier to keep my feelings to myself than to say them out loud.

Anyways, that's where I'm at today. I'll try my best to be open and honest with you. Talking about things right now doesn't make me feel better about anything. It makes me feel worse. That is the reason I haven't wanted to talk about things. Not because I'm not constantly thinking about you, our kids and our marriage. I just want to have a normal day. A day where I don't feel this huge thunder cloud hanging over my head.

My goal this next 2 weeks is to just have fun together. Keep it light. That's what I need right now and I'm super sorry if that's not what you need.... now you know where I'm at.

Love,
Wife

[sandi2]

I haven't been DBing to the letter, but what I'm doing seems to be working.

OK, major backslide and I was much too optimistic about what was going on with my W.

When you have a WAW, pursuing does not work!

Time to start going dim again.

I do not recall Divorce Remedy ever using the term "going dim". What do you see as going dim?

Let me share something with you, okay? I have been M a long time, and at no time in those years did I have a problem with who I was.......or needing to find myself. I was an individual, but I was also in a marriage relationship. There was only one time I wanted privacy from my H. Want to guess when? During the time I was in an A.

When either person in a M has something to keep hidden from their spouse, it can usually be traced to something they know is wrong. Your W can sweeten her words and label it whatever she wants.......but if she has nothing to hide, she has no reason to change her passwords and keep them from you unless she is having inappropriate conversations with OP that she doesn't want you to see.

You already know this in your heart b/c you continue to say you don't think there is an OM. I think she will string you along and give you just enough crumbs to keep you in your place. You will continue to lie to yourself until it is slapping you up beside your head and you can't deny it any longer.

You can't be swinging from one side of the road to the other. You have to have a plan and stick to it more than a few days. You say you weren't really following DB, but thought it was working for you. If so, why the major backslide? B/C you knew things were not like they should be.

We have seen this before, so we get it. I just hope you start getting serious about sticking to real DBing, b/c I think you are headed for a mine field.

[SadDood]

Thank you Sandi. I needed that dose of reality. Not that it's any worse, but I think it is an affair with another woman. To me, an affair is an affair. Both potential women are out of the state right now for a few months, but will return.

For what it's worth, I responded to her email with:

Thank you for taking the time to write that response. It really puts things into perspective for me. I'll keep this brief because I have a lot better feeling for "where you're at" right now. From what I'm gathering, you still haven't even had time to process everything. I'll try to give you as much space and free time as possible when I'm home, and also to keep everything light. If I start to seem distant, always know you can come find and talk to me.


And she responded with:
Again, for what it's worth. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I am looking forward to you being home.


I will be home in a few days and hopefully, my copy of DR will be waiting for me at the post office.

Instituting strict LRT right now. Just walked about 3 miles chanting to myself Detach/Get a Life, detach/Get a Life after each step. Somehow, it helped.

Detaching is going to be very hard.

[SadDood]

OK, started LRT for real last night. After responding to the last email, I did nothing but focusing on detaching and mentally, I think it worked. I'm still away at work and return home tomorrow

I received the following texts:
7:08 W: Did you have a good day?
M: Ended up really good
W: Good. Glad to hear that. I'm so pooped. Just poured a big glass of wine. Thanks for getting me all set up.
M: Anything for you (was meant to sound sarcastic).
W: Emojis of a smiley face, wine glass, and hands in prayer.
M: No response

I didn't respond, even though I wanted to call or text or something, but I held firm.

At 9:30 this morning I received a checking in email basically saying that work was going to be busy, S6 stayed up too late and woke up too early and ended with "Anyway, I hope you have a good day, Love W."

I waited a few hours then responded "All is good here. Have been really busy as well. Have hardly sat down today. A storm is coming tomorrow, not sure I'll be able to make it home"

She responded with "Well I hope that doesn't happen, you guys have had quite the weather in the past week. Keep me posted."

I'm not going to respond.

My detaching while walking has been really helpful. I'm becoming more and more apathetic as each minute passes. Right now, I really do think I'll be fine if the marriage ends. I wouldn't have been able to say that even a few days ago. I've lost about 20 lbs in the last 3 weeks and now see a little definition in my abs (it's been a long time since this has happened). I was once very fit and well groomed, especially in grad school. Time, marriage, and children have eroded my once nice athletic physique, but I'm starting to see glimces of it again.

Sandi and Starsky, I just finished reading a lot of threads and think you both offer such realistic and practical advice (particularly in the Kieran thread), I seek your counsel. I don't know if there is an affair, EA or PA. I return home tomorrow and I don't know how to act. W has said she likes the "new" me helping around the house, and being happy (My 180's). I just don't know what to do. Continue doing my 180's, but remain distant and detached?

The more I think about it, the less I want to stay married if there is an A.