Newbie needs advice and encouragement

[Kramer]

Newest update: She hired movers and moved in to her new house yesterday. She ended up taking some disputed items and I confronted her (via text, since I am at a conference) on this. She did not respond so I proceded to tell her that I guess it's time to get lawyers involved. Immediately, her 17 year old son starts texting me and badmouthing me, asking why I was taking his mother to court and accusing me of lying that I still love him and his mother. I took the high road and told him that this conversation should be between his more and me, and that there are always 2 sides to every story.

I also told her that it wasn't necessarily the property that I was upset about, but the complete lack of respect and communication. This whole affair discovery, separation, divorce, and moving out experience has been done primarily via text and email. Whenever I attempt to have a face to face talk, she just gets emotional and starts crying. We discuss a few things and then the conversation breaks down. She tells me that she is sad and "sorry", but doesn't offer any specifics regarding WHAT she is sorry for.

She continues to portray the victim and constantly brings up my shortcomings, such as poor money management, emotional distancing, and a controlling behavior. All of these are valid to a certain point, and I have admitted my faults and made strides to change. However, despite those shortcomings, it was not a reason to enter into an ongoing affair and lead a double life with me. If she was truly that unhappy, she should have insisted on MC at the time, or filed for divorce then. As far as I'm concerned, she lost all sympathy when she entered into this hurtful affair.

During our texting conversation yesterday, I was trying to limit the conversation to necessary legal issues only, but it soon veered off topic. We have 2 dogs that we love, but they, along with everybody else, have been ignored by her since she has Ben in her fantasy life. Her new place doesn't allow dogs, and her BF doesn't like dogs. She has the audacity to tell me that she wants visitation rights with the dogs! WTF? I informed her that her lifestyle was too busy at the moment, and that it was not a good idea.


She then proceeds to tell me that I am always off traveling. Keep in mind that as a couple, we did a lot of travelling and getaways, which I typically planned and paid for up to a year in advance. 2 of our favorite places to go are Carmel and Maui, and I booked these trips 6 months ago for us. Keep in mind that they are already paid for. Again, she has the audacity to tell me that she would never go on those trips without me, and trying to make me feel guilty. I asked her if the situation were reversed and I was the one having an affair, would she go without me? Of course she says no, but I find that hard to believe. The ironic thing is that these places remind me of her constantly, and although I am enjoying myself, it is also quite sad as well. I am trying to GAL and move on with my life. Why should I sit home by myself and be depressed?

So what do you make of this? Reading between the lines, I think that she still has feelings and is envious that I am moving forward. I can't help but think that she has gotten so far ahead of herself with these life changing decisions/actions, and cannot stop the train. I don't think that she has thought about the long term repercussions of her actions. Our finances are going to suffer greatly with divorce and 2 households, and half of her 403b retirement and pension will be mine. She will also inherit half of our (substantial) debts I'm sure she is going to play the guilt card, but California law is quite clear regarding divorce (50/50 community property). She already borrowed money from OM to pay for movers and rent expenses. How long before he realizes that he is going to be her sugar daddy? He wants nothing to do with her family and kids. What happens when she breaks out of her fog and wants to reintegrate her family? And trust me, her family has a LOT of drama.

I realize that I cannot control anything but myself, and I am trying to move forward in my life and be a better person. For me. By the same token, I don't want to prematurely close the door to reconciliation with my wife. I think that I need to limit conversations to strictly legal issues, and continue to detach and GAL. She needs to realize and experience the repercussions and consequences of her actions.

How do I accomplish all of this without being a jerk? I am ordinarily a kind and caring person, and I don't want her or others to think that I am an a-hole. By the same token, I don't want to be given a guilt trip or taken advantage of.

Help please!