Need Help!!!

[sandi2]

Hi, and welcome back. I think you'll find us very willing to help, but you have to help us by posting, okay?

Get a copy of Divorce Remedy from Amazon and read it ASAP. Also, read MWD's article here on the Walk Away Wife (WAW). Although your W has not physically left your M, she has emotionally left it, so she is a WAW.

There are things she says that totally confuse me as well, especially with me being an analyzer. Like one minute she will say she can't sleep because she is afraid of living life without me. Of course I then say something like you don't have to and she then gets mad at me. The strange thing is nothing has changed with the way we live life. We still talk nonstop everyday, eat dinner together everynight, I see her at work on her lunch break everyday, and even have sex just as often with more kissing and stuff then before. But even through all that she tells me we need to separate to see if she misses me or not. I just feel like we are rolling the dice on our marriage rather then trying to avoid that step at all costs.

Here's one tip for you. When your W is telling you about her feelings.....just let her talk. No need to put in your opinion, tell her how to fix it, or any other advice. Women want to be heard, not fixed. Men think they are helping the W, and then she gets aggravated and he doesn't know why.

What has happened since your last post, is that probably you and your W have adapted to being in a stage of limbo. A WAW can stay in limbo for a quite some time when she is getting certain benefits. For example, she has the comforts of home, a sex partner when she wants it, and a friendly companion. However, she stills holds this uncertainty about the status of the MR.

How do you see her at work every day on her lunch break? Are you leaving to go to meet her?

I am so confused. On days I don't bring up the upcoming separation things seem fine. But whenever the separation comes up I get the line that I love you but I am not in love. She then says she needs to find that spark again.

Well you know what a doctor would say if you told him/her this, right? "Stop bringing it up". I tend to analyze, also, so I wonder why she's not the one bringing up the subject of separation and you continue to pursue it? I would guess that you pretty much wait on her to do the leading, at least in the R?

What have you done about this situation since your first post? Have you just waited to see what she was going to do?

I know a lot of the advice given is to detach but I feel being detached is what caused this situation. W tells me I always put other things in front of her and that is why she lost the feelings.

It is really strange how many newcomer men say the same thing about detaching. I have discovered in many cases it has to do more with the H not being emotionally strong enough to detach, or that he does not fully understand the DB approach to detaching. I believe we have a link around here that may help explain it.

Detaching is for you, and it's more about your mental attitude than anything. You are the only one you can control, and so.....

Detaching is not giving her the cold shoulder. It is not acting sullen or angry. It is not giving her the silent treatment. It doesn't even mean you have to physically have distance between you and WAW. So, read up on it and learn how to apply it in your stitch, b/c I can tell you it will make a difference. This is something everyone should learn how to apply b/c at some time or another, we will have to deal with some person in our lives where we truly need to know how to detach.

As for her feeling you always put other things in front of her, I think might be her way of saying she didn't feel valued enough. We also have a link for learning about validation and how to use it in DBing. You can validate and detach, too. BTW, smothering her with your presence is not showing her how valuable she is to you. It just shows her how emotionally dependent you are on the R. It can make a guy appear weak, when he thinks he's doing what she wanted.

I am going to give an example on why I get confused she will tell me we need to separate to see if we miss each other. But then last night for example I went to school until 8:30 and when I came home she was sitting at the kitchen table and had dinner for me.

First of all, leaving a while to attend a school function is hardly comparable to separation, do you think? I don't think she would "miss" you in just a span of a few hours. And why were you confused by her having dinner waiting for you? What did you expect? Really, what were your expectations of her, after you were gone a while?

Another example we always watch football together on Sundays. Last weekend she was going to go out with a girlfriend to a handbag bingo event. That morning I was at church and w sent me a text saying she is going to go out for coffee with her girlfriend as soon as I get home so she would be home in time to spend Sunday watching football with me.

I refer you back to the beginning, when you said in so many words that things were going pretty "normal". Again, what were your expectations here?

Here is my opinion and I want to hear what others think but I think I need to continue to be there and persue but avoid at all costs talking about the past.

Hum......no. You need to read the book to understand.

So yesterday was a good day. We talked for a little longer then usual at lunch yesterday. When I left we were laughing and having a good time. W came home and all was good we sat around and talked before having to leave the house because of a showing and picking up D from practice. Came home had dinner and watched a little tv together. W then said she was going up to bed but while D and I watched one more show. W said she would wait up for me. When I went up an hour later she did wait up for me gave me a hug and kiss said she loved me a few times, then went to sleep. Woke me up at 3am to ML (I will never complain about that). We then woke up at 6 and got ready to start our days and everything seemed really good.

Then, what's your point here? What were your expectations? I know you have had expectations for every one of these examples, and that is what's confusing you. She is not acting like you expected.

I am hoping as long as I don't bring up the future or our R to soon we might be able to build on this. My hope is if I can keep thing steady for the next few weeks once the packing begins for the new house W would realize that she wants me in her life.

Oh the logic of a LBH!! Now listen, the woman has told you she doesn't feel the spark. You got the bomb 8 months ago. You came here 5 months ago and posted 3 times...and then left. WAKE UP!! She is a WAW and you are just hoping she will suddenly realize she wants you in her life?

The fact that you have done absolutely nothing tells me something about you. It also tells your W.

FWIW, I have been where your W sits today. I told my H. He did nothing. I would gather enough energy to try to show some effort (much like your W is doing), while my H did nothing and left the R to me. Then one day he received the shock of his life. A shock so bad that his health took a serious hit. He discovered his W was involved with another man. So, I'm telling you as best that I know how.....to wake up.