Old dog seeks new trick 9

[Sotto]

Hi OD, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time my friend.

One thing I would say is that I would take the feedback about involving S on the chin. I think it's best not to involve him in anything like that. But you know that already. As for the rest....believe nothing they say...

The other thing I would say is this is an important time for your family, with S's op just around the corner. I think this is a time to try and be a united front for him as much as possible to give some stability before and after the op. Because of his op, it doesn't sound like a time to be making huge decisions or engaging in a big way with your W on what she's said.

It's good that you're seeing your IC and can talk this through with an 'expert.' It may be an idea to come up with a 'one month plan' - to get you through the next period of time, which hopefully includes S's op.

I think your W's email has some classic WAW elements:

Blaming you for recent events (she does acknowledge some responsibility granted)
Hoping life can go on just the same (and you'll keep funding it)
No acknowledgement of the damage being done to the R/family by having an A

Essentially, your W seems to be saying you should carry on as you all are, as she is taking care not to 'impact' the family with what she's doing. And actually, her actions are justified because you've been so awful and she's been trying to tell you for 20 years.

What I would say OD is she's swirling in fog right now, and you may not want to engage with the mess that's going on inside her head. It's probably not going to do you or your sitch any good. It may be an idea to not even reply to her email.

Without checking back, are you and W still sharing the marital bed? Is that something you are willing/able to tolerate going forwards? IMHO, in-house S's are the worst scenario of all, especially if there's an ongoing A. That's incredibly difficult and you may need to re-think your plans if this is taking it's toll. To me, whilst W doesn't want to change anything (for the boys - or for her?) you may want to insist on plans that allow you to S and for you to still be in the area at weekends, because the current set up may not be manageable in the longer term.

Take care OD - and don't do any huge stuff whilst you're feeling so upset - if in doubt, withdraw until you feel calmer. We are all here for you my friend, and this too shall pass.

(((OD)))