Old dog seeks new trick 9

[edz]

Hi od,

I dont drop by your thread too much hope you dont mine me popping in here. I'm having a t shirt made up that says "my sitch is different to yours but...." Possibly with "I'm going to turn up anyway" on the back

Sorry its tough right now. I dont know nor does anyone know how their sitch will develop twist and turn as it progresses let alone someone else's but take anything I say as warm support and if a vet pops by take their advice over mine.

I can say in the first month of my sitch I was an utter basket case, no arguments from me, pre dB I cried, begged, pleaded for a week then tried the brave gesture and nearly cracked under the strain

Friends became worried and talked to me and then I got councilling I've not fully back read yet so forgive me if I've missed it but do you have a (non involved / close to w) friend you can talk to who won't judge or can you get a councillor?

You note I haven't mentioned your w yet thats because you need to worry about you first. I've said in other threads any kind of sharing / in house sep situation has got to be hard as b@lls to deal with, it and no op are the only blessings I've had in my sitch (obviously the latter as far as w has told me /I know).

One of my w's big huge major with asterist reasons for going was my r or lack of it with s so I won't judge you or criticise you but I urge you to look at and examine your r with s. Sorry to sound negative Nelly (I've done that a lot lately in my thread but I'm coming out the other end I hope) but if, just *If* this doesn't work out your kids will be the r you get to maintain make sure you are comfortable with where you go with that, again I'm not saying your not but its a focus point I missed for 5 years so this is one who's been there and nearly messed up my r with s for good.

With that said I see a lot of the behaviour I'm prone to in what you mention, not to the same degree but certainly I identify as a pursuer and not knowing when to let go nearly - literally - cost me everything. I can't really comment or advise on the op as I only know what's in Dr/dB there same as you but hopefully a vet can answer and offer some advice.

As gan said the long term stability of the housing is a cause for concern though, is w just planning in staying indefinitely in an open marriage, seems odd that om would be happy with that long term but again no experience here.

The two things I can say are though you need to talk it out, vent it and ideally get to the bottom of any issues your w has raised that you feel are fair, some was comments will be spew doubtless but the core ones if they are fair you need to resolve for you and the kids regardless of w. This has taken me 7 months so far and 3 of those I had counselling that got me at least partially balanced.

I hear you on the ring. Although I love mine, I'd worn it until December last year (since june 2001 yes, constantly) so it was a lurch to take it off. But it was a cathartic moment for me as it wrapped up my needyness for w and it was then I really felt the first detatchment and some progress. It will come od it will regardless of what happens in the sitch.

I would echo that any 180s or changes need to be for you and need to be integrated into you. As an example I did 55 trunk/sit-ups before a shower this morning and have now dropped 3 trouser sizes yes initially all this was to look better for w and lack of concern for my appearance was one of w's lesser issues with me but now its just what I do.

Anger and internalising until I blew my stack another that counselling got to the bottom of.

W hasn't really commented on any of my 180s directly but she has to notice them simply as its impossible not to and they make me feel better as me. Aim for that in whatever you choose to work on.

I'm sorry its so hard for you right now my friend. I know I've been in that pit before and since bd day for me, it truly is the worse time. It will pass there will be good and great days there will still be low ones but things will change hold onto that.

Cheers
Edz