Update time a bit. Of course things appear to be heading towards divorce. I see no real change in course of action at this time. My interactions have been ok for the most part interspersed with some crazy dialogue. I have had several strange interactions as well that have made me curious.
My gut is it appears that my W is coming full circle to an understanding of her mental health. She is starting to realize that I'm not 100 percent to blame. She has told me things like she hates me but she loves me, and she wishes we had managed everything with respect to her mental health better. I have done lots of reading with respect to BPD and it's associated mental illnesses, which has been very helpful.
Interestingly, we have had some deep conversations about is as people, not so much R discussions at all. She has acknowledged that she tries to hurt me so I can feel the same pain she does, and she admitted her affair was the way she thought she would be able to get rid of me forever. Obviously with the BPD, the realization that with kids we would be involved in some capacity forever never quite tweaked.
Sadly, she remains in her A, I think vacillating a bit. But not enough. She sounds remorseful and sad lately, and she has articulated this, but nothing has changed. All things considered, she is done with the M. I don't discuss it or bring it up in our infrequent conversations. I am also extremely wary of our conversations. I have been yelled at in the park, my W calling me horrible names and telling our friends and neighbours horrible lies about me. Typically I don't respond except to urge her to consider the children, as they are often there when this has occurred.
The next day an apology inevitably follows, and she describes feeling like another person has taken her over, and she doesn't remember what she said.
It's sad for me to watch this from the outside and live the reality. So many things have changed for me this last year and a half, it's crazy. She commends me for being the dad she always thought I would be now, which upsets me sometimes.
For the most part, I have no expectations, and I'm progressing on my own. My journey will probably be a solo one, although the rocket is a two seater....
