Hopeless in NYC

[eclipse]

Another hour-long conversation. I'm getting good at dragging them out of her, except it's very emotionally draining and I feel depressed for days afterward. So she's on a new kick: rather than not being in love now, apparently she's *never* been in love. Okay, so in my introduction, I did say our relationship was more of a friendship than anything. What I didn't know was that it bothers her. Further she continues to point out how we're not right for each other and can't possibly want the same things in life, otherwise I wouldn't have become so depressed in the first place. She thinks a relationship shouldn't be so hard to maintain that one person becomes suicidal in the process. Maybe so, but I'm still here and I still keep coming back for more, don't I? It seems that going to hell and back for the people you care about is not respectable in her view--it should come naturally or not at all. How does one argue with this logic?

At some point she started crying again about why I won't just let her move on. I don't why she is crying if she says she doesn't want to try anymore....especially this many months down the line and with the things she's been saying. None of it makes any sense. After the phone call, when I dropped our daughter off and said I'll be going on a business trip in a few weeks, her face lit up and she was very curious about who I'm going with. She seemed disappointed that it was just coworkers...does she really want me to get a girlfriend that badly? Jeez.

Meanwhile, I've backslid so far that there's probably no chance of coming back now. I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. What do I want to change about myself? I don't know. It's hard when you have no real goals in life. IC isn't helping much...that I can tell. I've started looking for places to move out to, even if it's just renting until I can figure out what to do about our savings. Some change is better than no change at all, I suppose. And perhaps that's the first real change so far.