KGirl - letting the past go

[KGirl]

Thanks, Maybell and TO!

TO - I've been following your story, too, since we're the same age/have been in our R's for similar lengths of time, but it seems we're in different places now. Plus you probably have an extra level of maturity that I don't have since you have kids to take care of I just worry about myself and my cat.

Maybell - yes, better to know now than later. But (seems I can always find the dark lining in the cloud), now I'm concerned that that gives me so much more time to have to repeat all of this. What if I get remarried sometime in my 30's, and then 10 years later this happens to me again? I feel like I'd die if this happens to me again, I feel like I barely survived the first time. I know everything is uncertain, and I'd like to be M again, but the chance it will fail again is so scary. I feel like I know SOME warning signs to look for, but I may just get so excited to have someone again that I overlook them in favor of not being alone.

I think part of my ambivalence and stress lately is due to what I thought would be a helpful idea. I signed on to OKCupid and didn't set up a profile but just answered a bunch of the personality questions, just to see if there were people out there that felt similarly. After you answer a bunch of personality questions it gives an "assessment" that compares you to other people on the site. Mine said I was much less independent and much less trusting than the average person. Yes, it's just a dumb site, but how is that going to be attractive to anyone? I don't know if the quizzes are just dumb or if I really have issues with being dependent/untrusting. I thought I had really put some work into that with all of my codependent reading and all, but it seems not. For example, one of the questions it asks is "Do you think it's OK to look at your partner's phone or email?" I chose the answer that went something like "yes, if it's warranted or they are hiding something." I have yet to find a guy on the site that I match above 90% with that has that same answer. In fact, they all put the opposite types of answers ("no, snooping is wrong") and that other answers are dealbreakers. Maybe I won't be so crazy after time heals more of my wounds??

The other question that no one agrees with is the "If you like someone, after how many dates would you have s*x with them?" I put 6+. I have yet to see anyone with that, they all put either 1, 2-3, or 3-5. Mostly on the low end. It's really terrifying to me. I keep thinking about what 25 posts sometimes, about how men get to know people through s*x whereas women need to know them first. I said that to some male friends the other day and they both snorted and one said "well, I'm glad that MOST women don't feel that way." WTF? I feel like a big weirdo. And it's not like I have religious convictions about it or need to be married... I just want to be really comfortable with someone, and I don't know how you can do that after meeting them for a few hours. And know that we are exclusive. I told a friend that I'd want to know if someone is dating anyone else before I had s*x with them and she gave me a weird look and said "I don't think that will go over well." *sigh*. This whole only having dated one person basically for my adult life is not serving me well right now.

And then, I sent a facebook friend request to the guy I met on Saturday. And he denied it. I kinda feel like I want to just bury my head in the sand. Rejection is hard when you've already been rejected by the one person who isn't supposed to reject you. I think I just need to wait for people to come to me. I mean, I had 10+ messages on this site within a day and I hadn't even made a profile, it just loaded my picture from my facebook profile! Sigh.

For those of you out there who want answers to the why's and all of that.. honestly, they may not even know. I was thinking about how my STBX also said when we talked "If someone asked me why I wanted a divorce.. I guess it'd be hard for me to answer.. it's just a lot of things... and really an overall feeling.. it's hard to explain. I guess I don't know who I am or what I want and I still don't." So, they truly may not be capable of answering.