MLC W Dates, Part 7

[AJM]

So.. she's not divorcing you but she's playing the field?? Not sure I quite get that, but it's your life to live, right? And I get what he's saying - he's an outsider.

I get it, but ya'know, sometimes its difficult to figure out what the new me is going to look like.

Here's an exercise that may help. If your son were going through this (God forbid) and you were to give him advice about his situation and his life, what would you want for him? Think carefully because you won't want him to miss some of the things in life that happen and help us grow, even if you don't like seeing the pain. Do the same if you were asked to give advice to a close friend in your situation. What would you tell them? How about a less close friend?

Any similarities in the advice?

I've known some people that have stayed faithful to their ex for 20 years or more. One guy I knew did it because he's Catholic and believed they were still married. She didn't. I dated his daughter and had a few conversations with him about it. I met his ex too. They could be in the same room together, but she is bat-s**t crazy I can tell you. Or is he? It tears him up and he has no religious basis for his actions. I suspect something else, but what do I know?

Another? A pastor friend of mine recently had to move because his wife ended their 20+ year marriage. Nobody's immune and although he's handling it, he's very hurt by it. Wasn't his choice, wasn't anything he did or didn't do. One minute things were fine and the next she was leaving. I know her. She's bat-sh*t crazy and I knew that the moment I met her years ago.

Mine? I helped her move out twice, but it wasn't what I wanted at the time. Looking back, I stood as long as I could. But let's face it, there was a point at which it was killing me for no real reason. It was keeping me from being me. What was I afraid of? Why was I holding back? What was I conveying to my kids by sticking around keeping the lights on? And believe me, she knew. She knew it was nothing to do with me. She may have accused me of all kinds of things, but there were times she'd tell me. It wasn't me. And her actions proved that out.

Know what? I started to visualize my life in the future. I started to re-examine everything about me. I went looking for why I was doing what I was doing. I found help here. And finally, somebody posted to me in anger and it helped me figure out the last brick in the wall. What was holding me back.

For me, I met my ex not long after my mom died. We were high-school sweethearts that married and moved away. We were close. Very. Even my daughter couldn't figure out why we were divorcing. But it occurred to me that I was looking to her to fulfill what I lost when my mom died. A strong woman in my family. A woman of high moral standards and ethics. She let me know (in words and actions) she wasn't able to be that person any longer and I didn't want to hear it. Once it clicked though...

I wouldn't go back if you paid me. Not that I'm at risk for that, but as I told my IC years ago (she knew us both, clinically) I had to be the one to leave my W, even though she moved out and "left" me and the kids. In many ways, my ex took (is taking?) years to get over the divorce. I've been done. My IC knew that would be the case too. It was evil the way she put it "you'll be done long before she is." That was heart wrenching to hear at the time. But she was right.

You have to decide for you, Wet. There's no right or wrong answer, but there are guidelines. Don't confuse the values of the world with your values. And don't assume you have all the time in the world to eventually make a decision. You are being watched and you won't live forever. But whatever you decide has to fit your values, ethics, beliefs, and life.

Keep at it, and things will become clearer. You are in a situation much like T2's was. You may want to re-read some of his older posts to see how he handled it. But try the exercises above first.

AJ