WAW-- LRT in action

[SadDood]

OK, major backslide and I was much too optimistic about what was going on with my W. Time to start going dim again. After a few good days of keeping it light, I started asking questions about the future, what she's feeling, etc., etc. Time to go back to the 37 steps.

My W sent me this email today, and I interpreted it as a thoughtful "Stay back, I'm not ready!" memo. I still don't suspect an affair, but who really knows.

The first part deals with the fact that I got an email stating she changed her gmail password and called her to see what's up. I told her I didn't even have access to her account and haven't been spying on her.

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Hi there,

Please don't over-analyze the e-mail thing. I changed my password after you told me you were reading my texts. I was mad and annoyed so I changed everything. I guess I didn't pick a very good password because I didn't remember what I changed it to. You can always have access to my things, I just didn't like that you were being sneaky about it. I have nothing to hide from you. I cannot promise you what the future holds, but I Can promise you that. I truly have nothing to hide.

I'm so happy you are making the choice to live a happier/healthier you! I need to follow your lead on that. I feel like I'm healthy, but my head is not healthy right now. I get lost in thoughts, thinking of the future, thinking of the past, our kids, you, our families.. it overwhelms me most of the day. So I'm trying to just focus on work when i'm at work. Focus on home when I'm at home. Focus on the kids when I'm with them. That way I don't feel like I'm constantly drowning.

I really have enjoyed the few moments of getting to "know you" again. I guess that's why I haven't wanted to talk about our relationship lately. When we talk about our marriage it makes me super sad. I feel like a really bad person and cry a lot. I just feel like I don't want to cry anymore right now. I don't want to be sad or mad right now. I just want to be happy. And when we talk about things other than our broken marriage, we both laugh, smile and enjoy each other again. I want to have fun with you and try and re-build a love that has been lost... until we can find our friendship again, I don't know that we can find that type of love again.

The reason I asked you 2 weeks ago for space is that I wanted to have time to clear my mind. To find out what I'm truly thinking... and what I want. I don't get much un-interrupted time in my day to day life. There is always something I have to deal with. Literally from the minute I wake up in the morning, until 8:00 that night... I have something I have to deal with. And to be honest, by 8:00 I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I wanted space to think about things. To have some time to listen to my heart and my head... without having these heavy conversations about the future. I feel bad telling you how i"m feeling because I don't ever want to hurt you. Ever. It has been easier to keep my feelings to myself than to say them out loud.

Anyways, that's where I'm at today. I'll try my best to be open and honest with you. Talking about things right now doesn't make me feel better about anything. It makes me feel worse. That is the reason I haven't wanted to talk about things. Not because I'm not constantly thinking about you, our kids and our marriage. I just want to have a normal day. A day where I don't feel this huge thunder cloud hanging over my head.

My goal this next 2 weeks is to just have fun together. Keep it light. That's what I need right now and I'm super sorry if that's not what you need.... now you know where I'm at.

Love,
Wife