Uggh. What a terrible Sunday. Never ever snoop. Whatever you find will make you feel much worse. In addition to an assorted variety of kinky underwear, I found OM's jacket in our closet. I already know he has been in our house. This just made me feel worse. As a result, I definitely had a setback today: I spent all morning driving around town thinking of ways to catch them or confront them. I almost drove to OMs house. I am glad I thought better of it. I could hear "Don't pursue!" clearly in the back of my mind. Thank you Sandi!! Fortunately, my W has no idea what a miserable morning I had.
Now that my adrenaline burst has subsided and I am sitting in my office with some time to reflect, I keep wondering what the next step should be.
Letting OM in our house for her trysts is unacceptable to me. Am I wrong? Should I ignore it and keep my eye on the prize (whatever that is). My W truly has no boundaries right now, nor is she feeling any consequence of her actions. Ahoy had suggested asking her to move out of our bedroom. At the time, I demurred because I was afraid I would make W into the "victim" and the children would see me as the instigator. Now, I am not so sure that matters. If the children ask me why their mother is not sleeping in her bedroom, I can simply reply "ask her". OR I can say "It was her decision - through her actions." OR I can say that "she is doing things that do not allow us to live in the same bedroom"; OR I can confront W and tell her I know that she is still carrying on - Stop, or move out of the bedroom - your choice. That way she has a choice. The bottom line is that I am tired of trying to salvage her reputation with the children. I do not want to say anything bad about her, but I also don't have to defend her actions.
The other boundary that I can set offering her a Jewish writ of D immediately. It is more symbolic than the civil D, but for some reason she has avoided asking me for one. Don't know why. Don't care why. Until now, I have been avoiding D until after my S12s Bar-mitzvah. I have no idea when would be a good time for D. We have started planning for the Bar-mitzvah and I am coming to the realization that it will be a very dicey situation. Family from both sides will be converging on our small town.
Perhaps I should forget boundaries altogether for now and work instead on getting my act together, GAL, be civil with W, focus on the Bar-Mitzvah.
