Synopsis - WAH struggling with severe depression, medical concerns threw some giant walls up around Nov 1 and started sleeping alone, still being kind enough, but refusing affection, very cold. I experienced a year of disrespect and generalized nastiness from him. Very heated fight 2 weeks later from then, when I kicked him out of the house. We went to MC, but he'd given up completely by then, and tolerated our assignments and dates. Some went very, very well. The official position was that we were S but working on it. For about four weeks.
I'd found this board and was trying to hang back and be my best. While he was in house, things were very warm and cold from him, alternating.
He went on an extended out of state trip for six weeks, and communicated he'd lost all hope in our M and wished me the best. I started to panic, wrote the 'come back to our R, I know what I did wrong' letter no one should ever write, and there's a whole thread about that. His friend reached out to see what was going on bc H was reportedly all over the place and not talking about much. I flew up, we talked enough about the past and reached some understanding with each other. At end of trip he said he'd think about coming home. We spoke a week later, and the tone changed. He valued our M enough to not want to take chances with it, but was still wary of coming home. I didn't push.
Two weeks later, picked him up at the airport to stay for a night while he got his bearings back in town. He was fearful, angry, doubtful. We continued having hard conversations. He stayed and within a week most of that fear and anger dissipated. He put his ring back on. Everything very tentative, but he's voiced his commitment many times since then. Settled out his case, and is looking to get back to work. We are continuing with counseling.
Now, as title suggests - we are five weeks into our M, take #2. We are much more careful and respectful with each other, but honestly, it doesn't feel like a new M. I am still unfortunately coming from many of the same places, and though my delivery and self control may be improved, I need to be coming from better places with him.
Goals:
1. Stop seeing him through lenses of my values, and attempting to have him adopt mine.
Example - H respects his feelings and doesn't try to push through them. I happen to think that feelings are a terrible reason to do or not do anything, but what the heck do I know? I've denied mine for so long. So, a conversation where I'm trying to 'understand where he's coming from' is still becoming me trying to show him 'better' attitudes. That stinks, and is a major reason he felt stifled, controlled, diminished in the first place. It's happened 2x now since he's been home and though it did not turn into a fight - hardly instills confidence in him that he came back to a new M. It's hardly a good encouragement to open up to me.
2. Cultivate love and respect in my attitudes toward him. Stop dwelling on my hurts or frustrations. It's just not healthy. V had a great suggestion for me to find a few things I respect about my H instead and dwell on that. It is important I cultivate good feelings toward him, and that spirit of unconditional love had a big part in changing his mind after he left. I need to hold to it.
3. Create more fun, for me, and for both of us. Being boring and overworked is good for no one here.
4. Support him in his journey to find himself, his work, his purpose in his life now that he is trying to get his feet under him. This is a big part of where I will be taking suggestions. I do not want to continue to attempt mothering, parenting or doing everything for him as I had been - this was suffocating. I can let him know I am there for him if he needs anything.
How else can I show him I recognize that I support him and give him space and 'being interested in him' (something he claimed I wasn't) at the same time?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
