Ganb8te 5 - Escaping the abyss

[gan]

Jim - thanks for the pep talk. You picked me up out of a dark place. Please let me know if/when I can return the favour. So do you also teach? Or were you meaning as a student you would have loved to participate in something that got such good feedback?

Toots - your post is spot on for me. I was "good enough” and don’t have any major regrets or things to resolve from childhood etc. Just lessons to learn and carry forward. Like you, I think our biggest issues were complacency and lack of tools to know how things could be different. I think I will bring a new sense of awareness to my next R. I hope it is with H.

Mozza - thank you, that was helpful. Perfectionism is probably my parallel. In grad school/at work my attention to detail pays off in my particular discipline. At home, I would drive us both crazy sometimes by not being able to make decisions when things weren’t quote how I wanted them. Every decision had to be thoroughly researched - to get the best price, the best reviewed option etc etc. I suspect this contributed to my H’s view that there was “too much admin, not enough fun.” For there most part I think it is in check, but I do need to devise ways to let this go. Sometimes I think I should just flip a coin and go with it.

Zelda - thanks for your kind words. I have certainly had my moments, but I have tried hard to respond from a place of calmness and compassion rather than anger to this whole situation. Funny - at yoga tonight the instructor used a similar quote from Mandela abut courage in the face of fear. I lost it during in shavasana last night - tears streaming down my face as I lay there. That’s how I know that I still want this. I fought the desire to send H an email when I got back home. I think I still have a few attempts left in me though I am still not sure of the best approach. If H is anything like he was in December then he isn’t ready to date. He’s not open to having fun with me - he’s still coming from a place of hurt and frustration, at least he was back then.

Gg, Zelda, Toots, Old Dog, Vanilla - thanks for your comments re lack of compatibility. Yeah I wrote that off when H said it. Actually I think we were highly compatible. Sometimes when I would read relationship advice online I would think “really, people have problems with that?” We actually got along on most issues, had the same core values. In some ways I think it was out similarities that contributed to our problems, not the differences. Sameness = dullness.