[AJM]

What Gwen said and then some.

Oh, forgot to mention my thoughts about H’s comment that he has changed. 2 years ago one of his reasons that our M would never work was that “people just don’t change”. He meant that he could not see me changing from that “negative” person he said I was to someone who could be fun to be with again.

So... what's your thought on this? Was he a martyr to stay married to you for 17 years? Was he right that "people" don't change?

I doubt it on both counts. Does that mean there's hope? There is as long as you say there is. But I have to wonder if you'd want to go back to the way things were or if you're just missing the 'old' days a bit

I won't lie to you. I had those kind of feelings. I'd love nothing better to have reconciled my relationship with my ex. Notice I didn't say have a relationship with her. But since she is unavailable for that task, and although one day it *might* happen, I'm not waiting for that. No matter what happens or happened, I don't want a relationship with my ex. I did for a long time. I'd be surprised in a good way if she were to write a note and explain it all and apologize for the damage she's done.

Pigs might fly of their own accord too. Or as my grandmother used to put it, if frogs had wings, hummingbirds wouldn't f*ck with 'em (verbatim). Things are as they are. The question then becomes, what are you going to do about it?

You don't walk away from a 17 year marriage because your spouse doesn't make you happy any longer. Is it MLC? Who knows? But no, you walk away because you're unhappy. And you don't lie, cheat, belittle the other person because of it. Nobody walks away from a relationship that has lasted that long if they are "normal" There's a problem with him, but it's not one that is going to be solved by you. And he may never solve it. That's sad, but it's his choice how he deals with himself. Don't be confused by the story.

And that's really the part that chaps many of us. The unilateral choices where once there was teamwork.

Were you perfect? Not likely. Were you a good wife. Likely. Were you a good companion? Likely again. It's not you and it's not in your control. That's the risk we all take when we make a commitment in a relationship. You can stick around and hope. That's human. But at some point, you'll have to stop holding your breath and decide that you don't want him in your life and go be the best you that you can. Only you get to decide that, as unfair as it seems. Or, looked at another way, as good as it seems because that is your choice.

Keep at it, Bright. Be you. While you wait to see what happens, drop the expectations and deal with things as they come. It's ok to put that hope on a shelf. It'll be there later if you need to dust it off and want to take the risk with him.

AJ