KGirl - letting the past go

[KGirl]

So, it's been awhile. Kind of shaken up about a phone call w/ STBX today. We discussed:
-taxes. whatever.
-cell phone stuff. he wants to use his reward points to upgrade his phone. I said I don't care but I NEED to have a new phone before I go on my spring break trip so I can take decent pictures.
Then the doozy...
He said he wanted to talk about the email I sent, however long ago that was, asking for his reasons/why. He said he didn't want to put it in an email because then it'd be in print (ha! OK). So here is what he said:
-he was just unhappy
-he didn't know who he was
-this "wasn't what he wanted"
-he felt like he missed out on "opportunities" (more on that later)
-he "knew this wasn't going to work long term anyways"
-we grew apart (surprise to me...)
-we didn't really communicate (I think that means HE didn't communicate)
-who he was and what he wanted changed over time. So all the typical things we see here all the time, that we wish our S would just have talked to us about and seem totally workable. But he said this is what he's decided, and there is "no changing it." Fine, at this point a lot of bridges have been burned.

The opportunities thing. He said something like "this isn't about dating other people so I hope you're not telling people that." I asked "well what is it, then?" His example: "I didn't really feel like I could make friends or spend time with them. Not that I'm blaming you but.. for example, if we had dinner plans after I had soccer, but then at soccer some of the guys asked me to hang out and have drinks, I couldn't cancel plans with you because you'd be angry. But I could hang out with you any time and it's not often that friends ask me to hang out, so I felt like I didn't have any flexibility, and that in a relationship there should be that flexibility if other things come up to cancel plans or hang out with other people."

??? I don't think I'm unreasonable in what I want. But (and I'm hesistant to say this because it makes this feel like a mutual thing/decision, when it wasn't) I guess we really just did want different things out of a marriage. I wanted someone I could count on, who put me above his friends, who liked spending time with me. He doesn't seem to have wanted that same thing. I guess now he can spend all the time with his friends that he wants.

We also talked about the house thing too. I said I wasn't comfortable with extending this over a long period of time. He responded "well, legally I have 5 years to pay you back, and if you're going to be unreasonable and fight me over six months or a year, then we'll both have to have lawyers and it'll cost way more money." To which I said: "You know, you just said you cared about me a lot still, and were really sorry about all of this. If that were true, why not show it to me by paying me the money I am owed? I'm losing out on accruing interest/paying off debt the longer you spread this out, so it does negatively affect me." Then he changed his tune and said he would work on the numbers and do whatever he could to pay me it all right away at the time of D.

I feel sad and yet.. I knew these things about him. I just chose to hope he would change/grow out of it/whatever. I guess if there's anything else I've learned through this and especially today, is that I'll really have to be fine with my next partner/S as they are and not expect or hope they will change over time. Because some things like preferences in how much time you spend together, or how much you share about your day, or how much individual vs. joint activities and decisions you have, really don't change.

I think someone posted this idea earlier on Maybell's thread - I am kind of angry right now that I put so much time and effort into our R and put up with so much cr*p from him, and yet HE'S the one that walks out because he's not happy.

On the positive side, I've met a number of single guys lately via a friend, so that's been fun. Some I think are not long-term material (like the one guy who doesn't really have a job and just drives for Uber... no thank you) but at least they do exist! I met a particularly nice, cute one yesterday who runs a financial website but is taking classes to go to med school. He is D'ed as well (would have been about when he was about 28/29) and I don't know the story, but at least I know other people in the same boat.