Seperated, she is with someone - I'm desperate (2)

[vdubber]

Toots, yes I know I am responsible for my part in our situation and yes I will continue reading the rest of DR...was just hoping I would gain some I sight into what she might be thinking/feeling by reading the MLC chapter.

Karma, you are right that I keep finding myself thinking of what she was and what she might be again and need to put that aside and face the fact she is who she is...at least for now. I need to know it's ok to care and yet still move on.

Sandi, yes I do feel a sense of responsibility and i do truly care and want to protect her. Sometimes when I feel this way I think I'm not allowing myself to disconnect. As you say I need to allow myself to care and my sense of responsibility will diminish over time. Her health is her choice and as much as I want to protect her and guide her it just isn't going to happen. I absolutely do feel hopeless caring and loving from a distance. She was the love of my life I have no doubt in my heart however each day I feel a bit more frustrated with her actions and maybe just maybe my love is fading. Either that or I'm growing a layer over my heart to help protect myself...idk.

Yes it hurts to hear she loves me like a dear relative, it is a horrible feeling that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Thank you for your honesty as although it hurts it makes more sense in her ability to say that yet move forward with her life as is.

I have alot of work to do. I'm like a recent amputee still mourning the loss of a limb and afraid of learning to live as what I now am. Some days I feel much more courageous than others. Some days I want to get out and conquer the world yet many days I just want to close my eyes and sleep. I no longer have any expectations that she may come back and I'm doing much better controlling my thoughts of her and OM. I am however disappointed, frustrated, and heart broken and know I should have done more. Not that it was solely up to me but I am frustrated that I didn't see things when I should have. This is the part of letting go of the past I need to work on.

People that know all tell me I will be ok, I will be happy again someday and i do want to believe that. I know if i don't believe it, it will never be. I have several books recommended that I need to get through, I sure wish I could read and comprehend alot faster than I'm doing it.

I do not want to always be the depressed, I can't believe it happened to me man. I want and intend to become confident in myself as I know I am a gentle thoughtful kind hearted man that deserves better than his current situation. But it's up to me to make myself better, waiting around didn't help, catering to her every whim didn't help, and now I finally have my hands on resources both books and forum support to make a difference for me...up to me to move forward. I need to know it doesn't change overnight and learn to practice patience.


Thanks again for your support and honesty.