Devotion To A Dream

[phunguy]

I am very angry with her today. I want her to go and experience the pain she has caused me and our family. Some how I feel like I found my balls last night while running. I feel like I don't need or deserve any of this nor do I want to deal with her anymore. It's very confusing to go from love to mourning love to anger to just wanting it to be over. So many emotions.

[Sotto]

I know Phunguy - the rollercoaster isn't just externally with our WAS's, it's within us too. The good thing is that even when you feel low or angry, it passes. Just one thing on both though, it's important to 'feel' and not suppress them. Allow yourself to feel the loss, cry if you need to mourn. Find a way to get the anger out without directing it at others - get a punch bag, or maybe the running, slam bottles in the bottle bank - whatever works with that pent up aggression...

[phunguy]

We had a conversation yesterday that resulted in me telling her yet again, here we go having the same conversation, same points story etc that I've now heard repeated lord knows how many times in the last 4.5 weeks. I told her I didn't want to hear it again and told her good bye and hung up. Then she texts me and says almost the same thing, except, this time she apologizes for holding on to her resentments and admits she stopped trying. Good lord this woman!!!!!!!!!

So I decided maybe since she went and looked for an apartment yesterday it might be a good idea to bring up counseling because we do not seem to be communicating well. Is it time to maybe broach the subject with her again based on the text she sent me? She's never apologized for holding onto her resentments before.

[sandi2]

Until she is ready to work on the M, counseling really won't help your R. You can't make someone want something.

[Sotto]

Phunguy

Sandi is right about the counselling - Don't go there right now. The main reason you guys aren't communicating is your W's feelings for someone else.

If you have an interest in counselling, see an Ic for yourself and to help you deal with the situation and support your own growth.

[phunguy]

I suppose I want to see this apology as the opening of the door? I am continuing to GAL, going out tonight and tomorrow. Creating space and distance. She told me I looked hot this morning. Meeting with my IC on Tuesday next week. It took a while to get a follow up appointment. I suppose I'm just dreading this weekend. Even going out and having fun when I want to do the opposite.

Here's the text she sent yesterday.

"I love and care for you. The emotional roller coaster in this relationship has caused me to put up that wall. All the anger meanness from you, all those embarrassing times cause of your anger. I just stopped trying and held resentments towards you. I'm sorry."

What's odd is I presented the "wall" idea to her a week or so ago before I found the affair and I think Sandi2 presented the idea to me. To hear her use it is interesting. I told her that I've been on an emotional roller coaster, there she is parroting it back to me. Is she just trying to twist words I've used back to me? I'm confused I guess.

[phunguy]

I've basically been out of the house every evening since Wed. She is colder than ever. Has said virtually nothing to me. The tension last night was horrible. I tried to get her to break the silence and she brought up moving out. She said unless I would allow her to get her own bank account she wouldn't move out until the divorce was final. I told her that as I understood it any diversion of marital assets could be a problem. I told her again that I didn't have any information on how that worked for getting an apartment or have specific answers for her. That she could do whatever she wants.

I did talk to my dad who has been quiet lately. He told me to file and to get my head together. He said enough was enough and I needed to give her what she wants and stop torturing myself thinking it could be saved. He said he knows how I feel but said its time to confront her. That her inaction just shows how messed up her head is now.

Of course now I'm confused and I don't what I should do. I suppose I should get an attorney and file. It is what she wants.

[Sotto]

My advice is don't follow family advice! Re-read chapter 1 of DR to see how unhelpful (albeit well-intended) family and friends advice can be...

[phunguy]

A few 180s around the house today. Cleaned the floors helped fold laundry she kept telling me to stop. I quietly kept helping. Did the grocery shopping and a few errands. She seems to be warming up as the day has gone by. Keeping my PMA trying to be helpful and in the present.

With regard to others opinions and dads in particular. They all tell me I'm fooling myself. I have one friend, who is my best friend since we were kids. I finally talked to him the other day and I don't know why I put it off. I had forgotten he caught his girls cheating a few years back. His sitch is different not married has 1 kid and she makes all the money. He told me he left her. One day he came back to the house to grab some stuff and she asked him to stay. I wonder if I should leave? Force her to have to go it alone. Rather than she get an apartment. This stuff is so mentally taxing!!!

[phunguy]

I'm sort of blown away right now. W and I were chatting about the upcoming week and she informed me that maybe a seperation would be better, she got upset and began crying and said divorce is so final. That she needs space and maybe in that space we could go to counseling. W said maybe she gets away and realizes how much she loves me, and though right now she doesn't see how we fix it but maybe she's wrong and maybe she gets some help too. This is all so confusing. She follows that with she doesn't know how she gets an apartment and how everything works during that sort of thing saying I won't let her get her own bank account I told her she can do whatever she wants that I don't care if she gets her own bank account. I don't understand why she thinks that. She said its a control thing, I told her it's bit overplayed at this point, I've not been in control of anything, she needs to stop and remember that she sent the last 7 months in control of everything.