It blows my mind that a man doesn't make some changes in the R, and thinks that somehow the problems will work themselves out. Her sticking her fingers in her ears is symbolic b/c she isn't listening to anything you say. Doesn't matter if it is about the children or the M, she's intentionally not going to listen. She is showing you that you might as well not be there.
I see her neglecting the baby as very serious. You need to document this and keep private. If you have not sought legal advice, you really need to ASAP. There is no way she should be left alone to take care of the kids. I don't know if she was doing that to demonstrate her stubbornness to you, but there should be some stiff consequences for a parent who would be so careless about her baby.
She is in rebellion. She disrespects you in front of the kids. She undermines you. All of this is going to get worse. You have to take action. It is good you have spoken with a DB coach. However, you need to make some application to the advice.
Have you thought about the boundaries you need to establish?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
