Wife left me three weeks ago!

[alpha99]

Hi Starksy,

Since your message before quite a lot has happened. I did call my wife back and say that I couldn't mind the children. The reasons I gave was that she has messed me around all day, saying I couldn't have the kids, then I could, then I had to mind them because she wanted to work. I said that I wouldn't be dictated to and be expected to look after the kids at the drop of a hat when she wouldn't let me look after them for the last three weeks. She of course was fuming, saying that she would never ask me for anything ever again, saying that she would take them to school and pick them up all week. Ironically she said she doesn't want to be dictated to by me over when I will help with the kids but as I pointed out to her she was doing exactly that by saying that I wouldn't have to pick the kids up all week. I said that this wasn't fair and I would be picking the kids up at certain times. On the phone she said she was glad that she never took me back as well as saying that I could f*ck off etc. When I said that I still wanted to see the kids today despite not taking them out tonight she said I could do whatever I wanted, she wasn't interested.

I said I would be up to see the kids in the next 30 minutes. I went up there to see the kids. Her father was watching football on the TV and didn't want me in the living room. I had to stand in the back garden playing with the children in the rain. After about 15 minutes of this I thought it was ridiculous that I'm standing in the back garden in the rain with my kids because they don't want me in the house. I asked my 6 year old son to go and get his mum as I wasn't allowed in the house. She came out and I said I was going because this was ridiculous. She said I could come and stand in the kitchen with the children if I wanted to. I was calm throughout and said I didn't want to, this was ridiculous, and that I was sorry that I visited today. At this point she said she didn't want to be dictated to by me, that she needed to work to earn money for her new house, and that she wasn't earning as much as expected from her new cut down work schedule. I pointed out that this was all her decision, that I wanted to help with the kids, but that I could not be the on call, drop of a hat babysitter whenever she decided last minute to have a change of plans. She was fuming. She can't seem to see things from anything other than I am doing this to stab her in the back and make her suffer point of view.

She has said that in future she will schedule her work around when her parents are able to mind the kids. I said again that I would mind them but I needed a bit more notice. She said she'd never ask me for anything again. My son was crying as I left because he didn't want me to go and he was happy playing with me. I feel bad about that and I don't ever want to upset my children. I do think you are right though, that I need to set some boundaries with my wife. I cannot be just someone who is a phone call away from doing whatever suits her. She wouldn't let me take them earlier in the week because she thought I might not bring them back. Now that she has planned night outs and extra work all of a sudden I am their dad and I must have them tonight because she has to work.

So things have taken a turn for the worse today. I think that there will be some short term fall out from this. Hopefully nothing too bad that I can recover from. Her current very angry personality means that any action at all taken by myself that does not comply with her wishes is an attempt to 'stab her in the back'. She accused me of recording the whole conversation on my phone. I showed her that my phone battery had died. She accused me of being too calm and couldn't understand why I wasn't fighting for the kids. Again, I explained that fighting wouldn't solve our problems. Finally, she claimed that I had been taking advice from my parents (particularly my father who she really doesn't like) and that I had a secret motive for being so calm since in the past when we have argued months ago I had said that I would make sure that I had the kids should we split because I was better at looking after them. This does ring true because upon picking the kids up this week for school they haven't been washed properly, had sleep in their eyes, said they were hungry, and also not worn appropriate clothing for the winter weather we're having here.

I am thinking of sending a text to her just to clarify my position now that a few hours have passed by. The message would be along the lines of 'Hi W, I just want to say that of course I would mind the kids and help you out wherever possible with them. You had messed me around today over child arrangements and I can't look after them last minute at the drop of a hat...or words to that effect.

What do you all think? Is this a wise move. I can imagine her reply back with a short, swift text of abuse but I would like it to be known that I am not abandoning my kids or whatever else of this ridiculous nature she might currently think. Isn't it amazing how someone you love, and who has loved you for so long, can behave in such a way?

Fortunately I have read about 180s and not to believe all of what they say and half of what they do. It did really hurt when my wife said on the phone earlier that she was so glad that she didn't take me back. Having done some reading though I have learnt not to take this to heart. She is just angry. I love my wife and kids and I have the stamina to work on this for however long it takes to hopefully turn things around.