LT- ummmm.... yeah... I gotta look into the wire things. I am slowly starting to tackle that darn room, one small step at a time.
GB & Shining- Great to hear from you. You guys always make me smile!!
Heather- Thank you. You are always finding a way for me to continue to put one foot in front of the other.
Yesterday was interesting. I am finding that the days are a little different. Different is good from where I was, yet this is some really hard stuff. Still struggling a bit. Letting go is bitter-sweet. It is good being able to release someone else's burden. To look towards the future. However, it is sad bc I realize the finality of it. He is done. Clearly. I think he'd like to keep me on a hook at a distance, but he would much rather be in that other situation than with me. OK- refocus!
For me, I am starting to walk my path. But, I am not sure what direction it is going. I know it will get easier. Right now I feel like I am wearing giant moon boots and my path is right through a pond of mud. It's hard to walk through. I am not sure which direction my path is to get me out. And every step is really hard. My boots are too big and weighted with mud. I'm not entirely stuck. I am still working really hard at getting out of this mud pond. Not sure how long it's gonna take me. But I want out.
I also know that once I'm out- it's only the beginning. But hopefully I will have a nice pair of running sneakers waiting for me.
I spent most of yesterday... cursing.... ummm.... frustrated.... well...hmmmm.... taking apart cabinets in the kitchen. No joke- all but 2 screws were stripped on the cabinets. It was a royal pain. These are really nice oak cabinets that I wanted to resell to help offset some of the costs. After about 7 hours.... well.... not all of the cabinets will be for sale. I actually left last night. I had enough. D14 and I were going to the movies and do some things. We had to stop at my brother's house to pick something up for my mom. My brother and his family were headed to the movies too. So we all went together. We saw The Wedding Ringer. I needed some Kevin Heart for a night. Just silly laughs. Then we went to dinner together too.
I am still cycling through lots of different emotions. All over the place. But I remind myself that I don't want who xh is now. That even if he were here with me right now, it would not be healthy or a fulfilling r. There were a lot of things that made me nervous when he was here. I knew there was a long ways to go. I dont think he has the capacity to see that. I really think he is looking for the easiest sitch and that things will just settle. If it works out for him like that, so be it. But, that won't work for me.
But, I still am getting some anger. Yesterday after I left the house with d14 I had more anger than I think I had ever felt. I can usually feel it right up to my throat. This was different. I have heard of being so angry you could taste it. It was like that. I could feel it all the way up into my mouth. It was thick and heavy. It was hard to breathe. I had to recline my seat in my car and lean back some so my lungs could get oxygen. I didn't say much. D14 was into her music, but I am sure she noticed as I had to keep taking deep breaths. I relaxed a little while later and we had fun. But I can't believe the how tangible the anger felt inside me.
I felt like I was at 10 since Friday evening. For 24 hours. I am really mad that he could do this to our kids. Really mad. That he could be on the phone w d14 and hear her disappointment that he was with hww and continue to do that. That this hww has no care or concern at all about my kids and he would CHOOSE to have this person in his life- to share a life. That's what ticks me off. But, it is different at this point. I am more so realizing that he will have to pick up the pieces of his r with the kids some day. That it will never be the same. But I really ticks me off that he would make everything in his life about this baby now and make my kids an after thought. I just don't get it. Not at all. It really, really ticks me off. BUT- they can have that guy. We had the best he had to offer. Even though the past 20 years seem like they didn't even happen for some reason. Like they were my imagination or something.
I woke up this morning, as I usually do... weighted, sad, disappointed. And I thought- why? It can be a good day. He is not here. That is not going to change. Just like every day I have woken up and he isn't here. Why does it have to be a bad day because of that? I can still have a good day without him here.
I just keep thinking that I hate him. I don't like that word. I don't know that it is healthy. But it just keeps running through my mind. But that is the only feeling I have towards him now. It seems immature. I am really trying to grow, and I feel like in many ways I am. But that is a real genuine feeling I have right now.
