I will have to admit that over the last week I have found things to be ver y much a struggle.... a little why I haven't posted anything. I guess the place to start would be on Tuesday. I arrived at my D's hockey practice and the encounter with my W was fine. We needed to sort out scheduling issues coming up with kids. That went perfectly well we were able to compromise on where the changes needed to be made. I needed to bring up a matter about a bill that she is on the hook to pay, and that is when the bottom dropped out.

The Friday before she had moved out I had two separate conversation with my lawyer about the ins and outs of child support. I won't get into the details, but it basically comes down to a number which both the lawyers calculated. When it was presented to me I agreed to it, and my lawyer warned that my W might be a little angry when I got home. I returned home and nothing was brought up. Apparently her lawyer didn't get around to telling her the child support number until the beginning of this week. So I was completely blindsided at hockey when she became very angry and stated that "she her lawyer had contacted her about the child support number". Effectively she said that it was BS and that she was going to both talk to her lawyer the next day and fight it.

I made a couple statements where I validated her feelings "I can appreciate that you are upset about this, but this is number that the lawyers came up with". and "I understand that you are upset right now, however the way that I understand it this all gets put into a calculator it pops out a number". I think I did the best that I could to both validate the emotions that she as feeling while at the same time not giving any real "ground" so to speak. I also refused to get angry. If I have learned anything from taking a hard look at myself its that I could in the past very easily be goaded into a fight. I remained calm and spent the rest of the practice showering my D5 with attention. Obviously I had to speak with my lawyer the next day to let him know the situation. Again I've also know for a long time what the child support number was, what the process was, and how it all works. I guess that is what you do when your W says "I want a divorce, the kids can stay with you". I spent the first month after she made that statement to me learning all that I could, so if the papers came it wouldn't be shock. The papers did come and I have been able to make very informed decisions, both for me and my D's ever since.

I guess what this really comes down to is me feeling like there really isn't much hope... I really appreciate the support you guys are giving me, I absolutely know that this takes time. Obviously if you have followed my sitch you know that patience can be a real challenge to me. Its one of the big 180's that I'm working on.... just sitting and waiting. I agree with everyone that has said that to her our marriage is dead, there is no hope. So how does someone cope/deal with that fact. When you want to bring your marriage back from the brink of divorce, and the other party doesn't remotely see it that way. I know and am working on my own self because I know that DB is more about my own healing then it is about the marriage. Believe me when I say that I am feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin, I have been working on me for the past year. It has been a very long road, and its probably only been 3 months since I stumbled onto DB. So where do I go from here? Is there anything that can do that I'm not doing or is it just more waiting.

And just to vent a little frustration, I'm getting a little sick of the focus on you and focus on the kids from my friends.... I've heard that so many times that I'm starting to hate hearing it. Obviously that is what I am doing, almost constantly because there is nothing else for me to do.... or devoting all my time to school. Some of the many positives that I have been doing. Bought new clothes, back at the gym, studying for school, building various projects around the house, reclaiming my home as my space for me and the kids, focusing on how the kids are doing helping them transition, helping them with school work, hanging out with friends I haven't in a long time, eating better, the list goes on. I'm also been seeing a IC for over a year, mentally I'm in the strongest place I have ever been, and a deep understanding of why I was so depressed and why I did some of the crappy things that I did. Seriously though is the only thing I can do now to keep up, sit on my hands, and simply put some kind of hope out there? But at the same time understand that my marriage is done.... there isn't any going back? Isn't that giving up? Isn't that just insane?

M:34 W:34
D:8 D:5
M:10 T:15
BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14
PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)