Part 15 - a blue edz rising

[edz]

Just realised I didnt answer your question on initialising non s messages. I try to avoid it as much as possible as I know I'm inclined to start writing essays again! Then its pursuit central if I dont catch myself.

So not often but yes I have. I'm afraid the results are garbled. Sometimes warm chatty funny responses (my w) sometimes nothing followed by a text hours later - sorry phone died with nothing else so I let it go and sometimes curt cold OK's etc.

Not so much mind as body language reading I'd say w is hurting right now, she's hurting financially and whilst her mother enjoys battling with people w hates it she's having issues with her job ending too which I won't go into for her privacy

She has said she feels she's losing s and she is losing aspects of him to me now we've repaired or are repairing our relationship. He asks to come here mid week as well as weekends and she's not enthralled. I haven't nor will I tell w but s told me at the weekend he prefers his room here. That shocked me as his other room is bigger, w has spent a lot on rugs etc as well. We talked about this and he said hes very grateful and likes the room at the flat but he said he just loves the fact his room here reflects him with the action hero canvases and the colours he wanted accented along with minions etc. He said his mum let him pick a colour but only from a range.

Now s has a talent for the overdramatic as I've said before but even taking this as a grain of truth its a suprise.

I also found it interesting that w gave me a selection of S's things to out in his room here but they all involved older activities and our joint big trak I've integrated them here bit his room there..cuddly toys Lego ...

I know other "thing" I believe she's fighting with as well.

Little things she's mentioned, I've talked about my music setup think of a track and I can generally queue it up from the sofa in any room with a player (from the loo if I have a phone or tablet with me not that I'd do such a thing) I got w a Bluetooth speaker for Christmas so she has some music in the kitchen as she was missing it. She said the other day she felt technologically limited but short of building and maintaining it for her (which isn't going to happen) she's using Spotify free and her speaker and thats what she has.

She also looks worn, good, always good to me, but she looks tired and has said she's not sleeping.

So I suppose the damnable nice guy in me just doesn't want to let her get on and feel abandoned. We've all struggled with the illogical logic of dB and creating a sense of being missed but I do worry about her at the moment especially as all her actions are so s related.

As part of thing I know she's doing things that she didnt do in our m (not with other people) and those affect me as well, nothing I can discuss though again.

So why mention all this? Just as a way of journalling why I'm having issues really, if w was just cold getting on socialising and getting on then I'd be hurt and the rest but Id get on getting on and leave her to her devices its knowing how she seems to be struggling and that she seems very undecided that keeps me on the hook from my side.

Anyway thanks for all the poking today guys I know gal is my shortfall and I'm going to have to distance myself if I want a life and not to be a plan b or friend zoned - both of which w well knows but its hard to let my best friend for 16 years appear to be in such a cr@ppy position much as shed deny any problems exist at all.

I know stop trying to save her save yourself...I know.. Nice guy edz has always been a curse of mine!

And what comes on random music play?
Let her cry by hootie and the blowfish, ha!