Hi you guys. First off - I think these two stories are interesting in many many ways, and Jer, think you definitely need to discuss all of this with your IC.
Many of us who marry MLCers have got emotional damage which in some way is 'attractive' to the MLCer. I had a very happy childhood (unlke my xh) but a devastating tragedy in my teens which I didn't begin to deal with for many years. In fact I stuffed in down the back of the emotional sofa, and was encouraged to do so by all around me as a sign that I was OK. Their feelings mattered more to me than my own. Weird?? It seemed normal at the time!
So I was damaged goods when I met my xh. I think that if the tragedy had not occurred I wouldn't have married my xh - I would have seen his damage. As it was, we 'dysfunctioned' beautifully together for a long time. Not saying it was all dysfunctional, much of it was good and fine and amazing, but there was something there, I now see, that wasn't OK, that was a weakness in the foundation.
I am relating my own experience because it took me a long long time to realise that our spouses' MLC in our lives in not a coincidental or random happening. We did nothing to trigger it, and probably by our kindness and stability we held them together for a long time, but, and it is a big but, we were not OK ourselves.
Isn't it interesting that you two post such similar stories?
One of the books that I started reading after BD was Getting the Love That You Want and the main point of the book is that our choice of mate/partner/spouse is never an accident -- we are always subconsciously drawn to people who can help us work through our old/childhood issues. Fascinating concept and very interesting book... Definitely along the lines of what you wrote above. The key is being aware of this so that we can allow for that healing to happen -- but too often, instead of allowing the healing to happen, we interpret the "issues" in our marriage/relationship as a sign that we are not meant to be together when that is not the case at all. So the MLCer definitely tries to do this running away -- and the LBS, if they don't do what most of us here have done, will run away as well, end the marriage, and both will just repeat the pattern again and again.
I can definitely look back over my past relationships and see how I selected people at the time who were ideal or close to ideal to help me work through my childhood.adolescent issues... And in some cases this did happen -- but it happened without me being consciously aware of it or consciously aware of the fact that I chose that particular person at that particular time for that particular purpose... If that makes any sense at all.
I am now much more aware of all of this and am in the beginning stages of understanding how/why my subconscious was drawn to my W.
And yes -- so very interesting that Mighty and I have some similarities in our family backgrounds!
I have to wonder if what I saw in my parents relationship is what gives me hope that my W will eventually wake up and turn back to me.
New topic -- S7 had flag football game this morning... and he scored 3 TDs including the game-ending winning TD! Yay!
Gave W play-by-play via TM and it was a fun TM exchange between the two of us. We have a great TM relationship... too bad that can't transfer over into F2F like it did pre-BD. Maybe the TM can help with seed planting for the future... For now it just is what it is -- light friendly banter between the two of us that is such a nice break from monster, spewing, and the coldness that creeps in when she starts spinning.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
