Look Who's Come to My Picnic

[bustingout]

It's been awhile. I just haven't known what to say- how to describe what has been happening.

So I'll try. It's been going very well with H. He is still based in Dubai so it's slow. Maybe it's better that way for us. Each time he comes back it's a little bit more comfortable, more relaxed, more moments of genuine warmth between us.

I am slowly seeing my old friend return. That in itself had been an incredible experience to see.

We have not been intimate and I have not had a big apology. I have seen guilt and remorse. We are only just starting to talk with a little more depth. He will get close to an emotion and pull away from it. But he doesn't pull away from us.

I know he is supposed to be moving heaven and earth for me. I haven't had big gestures but I have several continuous small ones. Even very thoughtful gifts that have actually surprised me over the past several months. My birthday was earlier this month and he Mae the effort to invite out close friends and prepare the food. He got me an amazing new purse as a gift.


It has been frustrating too. I think more for me? I am at such a different place then him emotionally. I know he is working though stuff - just the emotional turmoil of the affair itself let alone the actual leaving his family- moving to another country etc etc. I feel in one way I understand what he is going though because of all my time on the boards here but also that he works hard to not let me in... Yet. So I work hard to stay strong in my beliefs. Because several times in my head I have thought this is just too hard. I then take a step back from things and put everything in perspective. That helps a lot. Not to panic and remember that I am in control of my emotions and decisions.

I feel very strong and confident mostly. I waved at times because he is still very private on many things. Because there is still a wall- albeit a shorter and thinner one- between us. But I am so positive and hopeful. I see him waking up to his kids, his friends, my mum, in ways that I could not have imagined. It truly warms my heart.

I am not afraid to be honest with him. I try to be honest- fair- and always calm. I try not to judge. Just listen and understand. I know I will need my turn to be heard too and we have spoken about that. He understands that.

It is what it is for now. He has said to me again he is committed to this and this family. He thinks we have made 'remarkable progress'. I know he is scared of me wanting to move 'too fast' and I am conscious to temper myself. Not really for his sake only. For mine too. I never want to lose my head again. I like being hopeful but not expectant- I like what I have become after all of this and I don't want to lose that.

He told me recently that he is afraid of death. Even though I know that is hand in hand with MLC it actually surprised me. He always seemed/seems so composed and so in control and even though I know deep down this is a facade and he actually is in turmoil, it surprised me nonetheless. I felt compassion for his fears and also thought 'wow- textbook'.

I try and be his friend. I know he needs to trust me (so ironic). I try to almost role model for him? Show him the way..? He won't talk to anyone yet. And my instinct tells me it should be me to help him get there. Is that an accurate feeling? I know he has to want to get there on his own- but I can lead the way? He seems to be looking. He seems to be identifying more with his emotions. And he really seems to be realizing what this has done to the kids- and he does not seem afraid to rectify that.

We are working on him being here most of the time and just going to Dubai for when he has to be there in person for work.

We are planning some family holiday time next month and this will be the first only-us-four-holiday in 5 years.

I am so grateful for this opportunity we have been given. I have no clue where it will lead. I can only continue to move forward and continue learning and growing. I don't know if I am 'piecing' but I am hopeful for my family.

I need to come back here more. I have been horrible over the past several months. I actually read a lot but haven't posted. I need to come back. This place was absolutely without a doubt the place that saved me. God bless you all.