Feeling lost

[jessm15]

It's been a while so I thought I would update and I'm desperately in need of a vent and some advice.

So early feb we went on our "family" holiday. We both agreed to just focus on making sure the kids had a great time. And they did! We all had so much fun. I wasn't planning on a holiday fixing everything but I was hoping it would make him see how much fun we have together as a family, and not want to leave. Well, we got home and 4 hours later he took the suitcase of clothes from the holiday with him and said he was going to his parents and that he "told me this was going to happen"

Over the next couple of days I try so hard to go no contact and then he calls me to ask if I'm home because he wants to see the kids. He comes over and stays the night, in our bed.

So over the next two weeks we do this back and forth of him staying here every couple of nights and everything seeming fairly "normal"

I didn't mention anything about the relationship and we haven't had a fight in about a month.

So today I had a horrible morning and I ended up stupidly messaging him. It said "I have enjoyed the space and finding myself again. But I miss my family. What do you think?"
He replied; I'm so sorry. I am enjoying the space, I miss my family but I can't do it.

I wrote; what's "it"?

He said; us, I can't do us.

Then stupidly I said; so you don't love me?

To which he replied; not at the moment.

End of convo.

I feel like such a fool. I wish I didn't even send that stupid message. And what on earth does "not at the moment" mean. Why not just say no!

I'm so confused. I have read DR. I have started anti depressants. I'm going out with my friends and I haven't cried in about 2.5 weeks so I thought I was doing okay but I'm so angry at myself for texting him those things

I need advice. What do I do. Do I give up? He's said he doesn't love me numerous times. I know I can't make him love me or want to be with me I just don't know if I need to cut contact or if I should keep up this friendly texting that we have going on. One of his reasons for initially wanting to seperate was because he feels like we don't spend time together or talk so would cutting contact push him away and make him think oh she doesn't care anymore she's not even making an effort. I don't know. I'm just rambling now. Very confused someone please talk some sense into me!