Ganb8te 5 - Escaping the abyss

[Mozza]

Labug, Mozza, Calibri - if you are reading - you have all spoken about how the attributes that make us great at our work don’t necessarily make us great partners. How do we reconcile this? I actually value the attributes that make me good at my work. I think they make me a good person. My relationship with my work is one of few things my H has said out loud was an issue. Help me grow here…

What is it that you do at work that might be detrimental to your relationship? It should be something about how you work, not something about your results.

In my case, I'm an optimizer. I constantly think of ways to improve processes and outcomes: find a shorter route, move the plates around the cabinets, buy a slightly better soap, tweak my meeting invitations, etc. t work, it did wonders because I deliver more and better than average. The problem is that, at home, I was optimizing the small things but not the big one: the relationship. It's now well-established that I was too critical of my W, so perhaps you can see the link between the two. She didn't do the laundry right, she didn't say the right things in the right tone to the kids, she didn't use the right mean of communication to contact me, etc. My, what an a$$. No wonder she said she was "walking on eggshells" around me. I wanted the laundry done just my way? Well, I got what I asked for. I now see that my standards were too high or just plain arbitrary. While it's normal to discuss the best way to do things, there are ways to do it and there are battles to pick.

Also, what you're saying reminds me a lot of the "Nice Guy/Girl" syndrome: But I was so good, how can something bad happen to me!? We assume that if we do everything right, then others will provide for our needs. Have you read the book? There's a bit of anti-feminist cr@p in it, but if you just read the parts about expressing our needs to fulfill them, it can be instructive.

[Zelda09]

G, you're asking for help growing...

Most of us here it seems, when we're a bit unfair, resentful, controlling, whatever...it's evident and we are offered that mirror. Not saying you're perfect, but I've hardly read one word from you in months that doesn't come from a serene, well adjusted place that you've worked very hard for.

Non-compatible doesn't describe a 15 yo R. That was a stupid thing for your H to say, and it's jackal speech from me, but it's dishonest.

If things got dull with you guys, well...you're both responsible for putting in the work to be interesting ppl and interested in ea other. Sexually, emotionally, mentally. It's hard stuff to maintain.

If you find you want to give it one last attempt, IMO - why not take him on a date and see if there's anything left to re-kindle or that you want to. Sure, maybe it opens up wounds that have scabbed over, but courage is action in the face of fear.

If there is something in your gut that knows better and you don't want this, and you're ready to accept new love and romance, I think you have a lot of room to be at peace. Your H was a fool to have left. He's a bigger fool to not return.

But - I pose this kindly - how can you know either way where your heart is when you're trying to decide from memories of him/your M? People do change, are always changing. Don't you wonder who and what he looks like to you now, in the present?

[Sotto]

I agree about the 'non-compatible' - I think that's just script for someone who was checked out of the M at that point.

Non-compatible normally arises pretty early on in the R....not after many years together..

That one should fall into the category of....believe nothing they say....

[Old Dog]

I got the non compatible guff as well. Even 'we go to bed and get up at different times'. Un****ing believable! My jaw almost hit the floor at that one. It's just an excuse to try and justify their actions. And a pretty lame one at that.

From what you write, we can tell you are one amazing woman. And ... you know it too. Never forget that.

(((ganb8te)))

See you splashing around in the fountains in Trafalger Sq shortly then? :-)

[gan]

You wonderful, wonderful people. Thank you for being there. I woke this morning to your messages and although it was a slow start, I am ending the day feeling more like my usual self.

I will write a more considered reply to your posts soon, but for now, thank you.

[Vanilla]

Gan

Incompatible? All humans are incompatible even with themselves.

Pure rationalisation.

The classic

V

[gan]

Jim - thanks for the pep talk. You picked me up out of a dark place. Please let me know if/when I can return the favour. So do you also teach? Or were you meaning as a student you would have loved to participate in something that got such good feedback?

Toots - your post is spot on for me. I was "good enough” and don’t have any major regrets or things to resolve from childhood etc. Just lessons to learn and carry forward. Like you, I think our biggest issues were complacency and lack of tools to know how things could be different. I think I will bring a new sense of awareness to my next R. I hope it is with H.

Mozza - thank you, that was helpful. Perfectionism is probably my parallel. In grad school/at work my attention to detail pays off in my particular discipline. At home, I would drive us both crazy sometimes by not being able to make decisions when things weren’t quote how I wanted them. Every decision had to be thoroughly researched - to get the best price, the best reviewed option etc etc. I suspect this contributed to my H’s view that there was “too much admin, not enough fun.” For there most part I think it is in check, but I do need to devise ways to let this go. Sometimes I think I should just flip a coin and go with it.

Zelda - thanks for your kind words. I have certainly had my moments, but I have tried hard to respond from a place of calmness and compassion rather than anger to this whole situation. Funny - at yoga tonight the instructor used a similar quote from Mandela abut courage in the face of fear. I lost it during in shavasana last night - tears streaming down my face as I lay there. That’s how I know that I still want this. I fought the desire to send H an email when I got back home. I think I still have a few attempts left in me though I am still not sure of the best approach. If H is anything like he was in December then he isn’t ready to date. He’s not open to having fun with me - he’s still coming from a place of hurt and frustration, at least he was back then.

Gg, Zelda, Toots, Old Dog, Vanilla - thanks for your comments re lack of compatibility. Yeah I wrote that off when H said it. Actually I think we were highly compatible. Sometimes when I would read relationship advice online I would think “really, people have problems with that?” We actually got along on most issues, had the same core values. In some ways I think it was out similarities that contributed to our problems, not the differences. Sameness = dullness.

[gan]

(Reminder: last time I reached out was his b'day on 6 Jan, he replied cordially a week later. No contact since)

What do ya'll think about this for an idea for a text:

"Hey H. I'm off to Europe for a few weeks, back on 23 March. Would be nice to catch up when I get back. I keep hearing this song that I think you would like - [Song] by [Band]. Reminds me of [Song you like]. You should check it out"

(or not)

[Sotto]

Hi Gan

I think the text sounds fine - as long as you keep expectations to a mimimum and it doesn't 'spoil' your trip in any way - no harm in going for it...

"Every decision had to be thoroughly researched - to get the best price, the best reviewed option etc etc."

Reading your comment above reminded me on Herbert Simon's Maximisers (people who want 'the best') and Satisfiers (people who are happy with 'good enough'). Andrew G Marshall (in learn to love yourself enough) wrote about maximisers in relationships and your comment just reminded me of that....just in case it's of any interest..

Have a fabulous trip Gan! Will we hear from you while you're away??

[Mozza]

Personally, I don't see the point of the text. It seems only to satisfy an urge to get in touch and to create expectations.

- You "invite" him three weeks in advance, creating a "continuous presence" until then.
- Trip announcement kills the mystery. As if you need him to know or want him to ask questions (he won't).
- Music recommendation is slightly smothering.

I think it would be better to wait at least until you get back. Would you have a vet telling you to send such a text?

I say this as a man, a fellow newcomer, who's best at NC in my sitch (and needs it), and who doesn't know your whole sitch all that well. Also, my general take on our stiches is that they take a long time to settle and that we have to give them this time. Perhaps you should set your sights on June and forget about it (ha!) until then?