I thought everything was okay....(Part 4)

[jim0987]

Hi MCS

I just wanted to weigh in on the whole 'not feeling safe' thing, not that I have any advice to give

I think you know from my situation that my wife says the sane thing. It really bothers/hurts/upsets me because in my mind its just not what I would do and I feel like I actually spent a lot of the time putting my needs and concerns aside (wrongly I now know) in an effort NOT to hurt or upset her.

So it really stings because 1) I can see in her actions that she truly feels this way and 2) because it fundamentally challenges my sense of self.

Now I can see how different things I said or did hurt her, some directly others less so and sometimes there was nothing wrong with what I said but it accidentally tapped into some internal source if hurt within her. So as Vanilla said we may never understand why she feels that way all we can do is look at the bits if behaviour if ours that we aren't comfortable with.

And to illustrate, my W is afraid of daddy long legs (crane fly), they can't hurt her in anyway but yet she is still afraid of them.

You can hurt her so even if you don't, or even hint at it, thats still enough in itself to make her afraid, especially if she expects you to.