barely holding on - 7

[PeterV2]

I think if she's intent on reconciling then you owe it to both of you to be honest and tell her that you've been in a very painful place over the past year and that the trust that you once shared has been undermined to the point that you are having a hard time believing this positive movement.

You are afraid that you will put all your faith back into the marriage only to have it shattered - something that would certainly be an emotional disaster for you.

So you need some reassurance that W's intentions are genuine. What you need to feel reassured is for W to send a NC letter/email to OM to declare the finality of the A, and you'll need total transparency on all your W's actions, which means sharing her phone, letting you know where she is and who she's with.

I know it may seem a little over the top but you may not even look at her phone or need to know where she is, it's just her willingness to share that info that gives you reassurance.

And your need for this would decrease as time went on and the trust between you begins to rebuild.

[u-turn]

Thanks Peter - I think you are right with all of this (you really summed it up nicely). I don't know why this is hard for me to say and do though (it seems like I have jumped higher hurdles). I do need to lead this because I see the troubles being swept under the rug again.

I haven't spoken about the painful place I have been to her. I don't know if she is ready or wants to hear about that. I would like to talk about that with her and also talk about her feelings and how we can move forward.

But I know that if I am going to start trusting, I need something real. The letter will be a huge telling point. I don't know how she will react. I think she will be agreeable to transparency (though I don't trust that so much).

I am going to have this conversation this weekend. I plan on telling her that:

I know that you said that you ended it with OM and that is big step for you and us. If you are recommitting to our marriage, I need to be reassured of this. I want you to write a NC letter to him to declare this affair over and tell him of your reestablished commitment to your husband and family. I want to see this letter before it is sent. This is both to help me regain my confidence in us and for you to have closure. I also want to be equally transparent with each other. Lies and secrets were feeding this problem and I would like that to end.

(I think that I sound like a controlling needy prick)

[PeterV2]

Yeah I hear you about sounding controlling. Have a boo at my thread. Didn't go well for me.

[Starsky309]

When you care more about doing the right thing than you do about "how you come across," you will have taken the needed step.

Also, if your wife is serious about ending her affair and reconciling, there's almost NOTHING YOU CAN SAY THAT WILL DETER her.

Think about that for a good while.

If she's ready, and sincere, you almost can't screw it up. Of course conversely, if she's not (and she's playing you), there's almost nothing you can say that will make a difference either.

Starsky

[PeterV2]

Good point Starsky. Ws will do what they want. We really have no control. Although if they're sitting on the fence what we say of do can push them one way or another.

[u-turn]

W just called from police station. Someone tried raping her at that f-ing mad house she works at.

Please give me self control. Can this get worse? Pray for us

[u-turn]

Had to come back home. She's been arrested for DUI, was in a car accident and the attempted rape/assault was at a bar she went to after work with co-workers (by a co-worker).
I have to go back later when they can release her.
She's safe though.

[T-Mom]

OMG, u! That is crazy! She is ok, though, right?

[u-turn]

I think she is. I could not see her. The officer that I talked to said she was ok and refused medical treatment.

I can't pick her up for two more hours. I am trying to stay calm. I am worried and getting in my protection mode again.

I feel like hunting these f-rs tonight.

[PeterV2]

Wow. U, just try to stay as calm as possible. Be a rock. Listen. Don't make any judgements or rash moves. She needs you to be the rock and there for her.