Love versus obedience? I decided to google it to see if there was something I was missing. After looking at several articles on the topic, it still doesn’t click for me and let me explain why.
I think the topic of obligation arises out of one’s upbringing and religion. My religious background is not one where I feel obligated to do things for God. Instead, I do things mostly out of gratitude. My relationships are the same way – for example, if a friend offers to buy me a meal when we go out, I accept it graciously. I may re-pay the meal for my friend the next time we go out together, but it doesn’t bother me if I am unable to do so. I don’t keep a scorecard on things like this.
My point is that in my relationship with my W, there was no sense of obligation toward each other, and we both enjoyed doing kind, thoughtful things for each other. Yes, I recognize now that I had some passive aggressive behavior (my W’s providing little cleaning help around the house, and in response I would clean the kitchen but not the dining room, and other petty stuff like that.) But our marriage was mostly characterized by our actions toward each other being out of kindness and not out of obligation.
So today, why am I still standing for our marriage, even after 20 months of being separated? There are many reasons, but obligation is NOT one of them. Commitment yes, but not obligation. I am committed to our marriage, to the person I knew before the BD, and to our family. And as is said elsewhere, one person can be committed to their marriage vows, even though their spouse turns their back on those same vows.
I am also unavailable to other people right now, b/c I am still married and committed to my vows. Though there is a new attractive, young lady in the office who keeps winking at me, that may put my convictions to a real test. But that’s a story for another day. Thanks T^2 for your thoughtful questions and comments, and letting me know that I deserve better.
