W of 13 years advised me shortly after the New Year that she had been engaged in EA for a number of months (workplace romance - alleges she has known AP for two years) which evolved into a PA (although has been stressed to me by W on multiple occasions that PA aspect not really important). See this as hybrid WAW / MLC.
Oh no, I wrote a long post and then lost it.
Okay, so to answer your question, I said you had already let too much time slide b/c you said she has been in an A for months! What have your actions told her about how you feel about it? Are you okay with an open M?
I don't remember MWD recommending to have sex with a spouse you KNOW is having sex with another person. As I recall, it is pretty much left to the wisdom of the faithful spouse to make that decision. She said in some cases it seems to help some couples. My question to you is what does it tell your W when you keep wanting to have sex? You are getting an emotional secure feeling and you think it's great. Are you even using protection? You need to think about these actions. Your W told you she didn't think you two should be having sex. You think it is a successful seduction when you "conquer" your cheating W? This is not a competition to see who is better.....you or AP.
All I have gathered from your posts is that you have taken no particular action about anything. You do all the work, cook, take care of the kids, etc., while she brazenly continues her A. She asks you to keep the kids while she goes out with AP, so she's not even trying to be discrete about it! Asks you if AP can come to the house and pick her up! BTW, is this AP of the same sex?
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I am just wondering where my bargaining power supposedly stems from. I mean, I am at a loss as how to effect change within the R.
You do not bargain with a cheater!! You determine your boundaries and state them to make sure she knows where the line is drawn. However, you don't go around crowing about your boundaries once they are made known to her. Boundaries are not ultimatums, so know the difference. Boundaries are to protect you, and based on what action "you" will take if it is dishonored.
Do you know your own core values about these issues? How do you expect her to respect a man who tolerates her behavior?
Yelling is not the answer. Getting into arguments over the A is not the answer. Setting boundaries and sticking to your action if she breaks your boundaries, is how a strong man begins showing he hasn't lost what men were given when they are born.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This is not a competition to see who is better.....you or AP. 
