This need not be the end.

[Mozza]

A very insightful post, Barry. I'm sure you see how much you've grown in the last few weeks. NMMNG was also an eye opener for me and I'm glad that it's proven useful to you. I plan to re-read it eventually and I walk about the same path with my IC. Let's remain aware, both of us, that a sudden realization is different from lasting changes. We have the gift of time to make this happen.

Your sex life sounds very frustrating for both of you. It seems like you did settle for bad sex for a long time, and so did she. I consider that WAW and I had a good sex life, with sex 1-2 times a week and all parties involved physically satisfied. When WAW moved out, my libido went through the roof, all directed at her. I told my IC about it and he said, this week, that it's not that my libido had increased, but that it was repressed in my M. It has taken back its place. This is making me reassess my view of our sex life. I still think it was good, given 10 years together and two little kids, but I can see how it did not realize our full sexual potential. I used masturbation and porn when I felt it was too much work to ML. It's not even a question that WAW is having more, better sex now that she's with OM. Part of your panic at the idea that she'll meet OM is believing that she can get there the pleasure and satisfaction that you did not deliver. I know it's a horrible feeling for me, as a male, but also as Nice Guys so convinced that we need to please.

So if my WAW is having some kind of sexual reawakening through the S, I've been thinking about my own lately. Sure, I still want to ML with WAW above all and I'm still ready to forfeit all other women (even Cate Blanchett) for the rest of time with her. But that's not the situation I'm in. It's rather an opportunity to reassess my sexual needs freed of certain interdicts. When alone with myself, when I shut up that little voice that tells me what is right and wrong (my IC calls it a "guardian"), what is it that I really want? Was my R with my WAW delivering this? We all seem to accept that after a certain period of time, couples ML less often and perhaps with less imagination. Is that a given? Is it a sign that we need to move on? Are we with the wrong person? All provocative and uncomfortable thoughts, if you're like me.

An unexpected impact of these my recent reflection is that sex seems less of a big deal than I thought just six months ago. For me, sex was the ultimate bond, the thing for which you closed the door and built a relationship, not just physically but through genuine connection. I wonder now if I was doing this partly out of fear that I wouldn't find someone else, so I would bond strongly with this one willing mate. Also, I now realize that sex can be pure pleasure. It's ok to desire someone only physically. It happens a lot to the mutual satisfaction of many people. Years ago, I was attracted to this girl and after a few dates we ended up sleeping together. After a few more weeks, she asked me if it was serious or just for fun. I knew I didn't want to marry her, but the Nice thing to say was that it was serious (not to mention that it secured the supply...). I ended up moving in with her after 8 months of dating and it ended 7 months later, not surprisingly.

I write this long post because I feel that for both of us, and maybe more on these boards, sex is playing a much bigger role than we realize both in the S and our own lives. My therapy, with a Freudian IC, is making me think about the deep and unspoken place of sex in our life, including our career, friendships, body, relationship with our children, etc. He likens it to all other pleasures, like eating an apple, but the ultimate pleasure tagged with the ultimate interdicts. A mix of strong drive and strong braking. There's a lot of shame associated with our needs as Nice Guys, on top of society's expectations and taboos regarding sex.