I keep thinking about this whole 'not feeling safe' thing that she is using to prevent us from talking. I'm not sure why it bothers me, maybe because I don't understand where it is coming from.
MCS why should it come from anywhere? This is W feeling from her!
I don't want to discard this feeling that she says she has, I want to understand it.
You may never understand another's feelings. Even if you did things will move on.
The only thing I can guess is that this is part of the justification that she had in doing what she did. I bought into this before I knew about OM, but her reasons were all over the place and were pretty trivial.
they are probably not trivial to W
I then felt that she felt this way because of not knowing what my reaction would be about the A.
Mind reading MCS. It could be about the colour of the curtains.
Since then, it seems like this is just a pre-canned excuse.
she sounds stuck
For a month we've been interacting a lot better, then when MC states the progress she defaults back to this same statement. I wonder if the fact that we were progressing caught her by surprise.
Mind reading again
I guess if I look back, the A wasn't a new thing that caused her to leave right after it started, this has been going on for a long time. Interestingly, at one point about a year ago I caught her in a flat out lie. It wasn't about anything horrible, but I asked her why she felt she had to lie to me. She said that she knew what I would say, so she didn't want to tell me
MCS, W is an adult. Let her take the consequences of her lies, call it in a good way. W, this seems different to me, there is X and Y which I differs from Z that you just stated.
I see that this was as she was starting the spiral of OM and I let it go at the time and didn't think anything of it, but I guess she spent a year actively trying to deceive me and everyone. She needs to get herself through that.
MCS, W does not need to do anything.
In fact when she later told she has pursued OP during various stages of our relationship, I realized that there are some serious internal struggles she has. This is not based on something with me or happened recently in our marriage. I'm not quite sure why she told me this, I thought that it was a good sign as she was identified her own issues but I also wonder if she's using that to justify in her mind that she never was in love with me in the first place.
MCS concentrated on MCS and being the best MCS you can be. Mind reading W, you can damage yourself by being concerned whether you were loved. move on to today MCS. The past is gone.
Its almost like this is part MLC for her. I think she knows that I would support her in some of these areas she didn't want to address herself.
tell her in MC
In our lives we always had a good ability to use each other to guide us during our struggles.
However, I think she was (or still is) not ready to address these issues.
She will be ready when she is. To her timetable, that of her own.
She had a rough childhood and took a bunch of responsibility earlier than needed due to her parent's divorce; her dad leaving their lives for the most part and her mom re-focusing just on herself when her kids were in need. My W identified this at about 14-15 and start to really care for her younger siblings. In fact, at one of the original MC sessions, she said she felt just like she did back then.
that is quite some responsibility for a youngster, I am in awe that she did that. Step up to the plate, quite remarkable and caring but probably overwhelming, but she did it.
She's told me most of this is because she was overwhelmed an I think that she has defaulted to the pattern that her Mom had.
any kid of that age would be overwhelmed. That is definitely not her moms pattern MCS. From V eyes at that age was the opposite. Great forbearance in W and great capacity.
This wasn't MCS original thought, but was told to me by my SIL.
I just wish I (or someone) could help her.
you will have to let W do this. Let go of trying to help W. MCS has enough with MCS.
Seeing her this week and how she looked shows me that she's struggling. I keep reminding myself that's a good thing for our sitch, but then it dawns on me that this is the person I've cared for most in my life.
Lastly, I figured out that at a minimum the friendship with OM is still ongoing even though the A is not public. The OM's GF doesn't know still.
GFs business, she may or may not.
This makes me feel worse because as I said to the MC; W doesn't realize that she's chasing the person that continues to use her, while the person that is waiting to support her is being discarded.
W choice.
I just feel really bad for her right now.
this is as hard as feeling bad for oneself. However unreasonable it may be or uncomfortable. MCS look after MCS There goes my 'protector' trait again. I guess I can't worry about that.
Stop. MCS you are trying to understand in order to put things in place. life is messy, R is messy and even if ordered will become disordered.
Concentrate on MCS and your lovely precious children
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
