Baby steps, patience and uncertainty

[BFloat]

Hi bugsy! As you've noticed.. I've changed my name. Just couldn't stand seeing barely anymore. Made me feel so victimized. you seem so at peace. Such a nice place to be compared to a couple of years ago...

[labug]

Hey bf, thanks for dropping by.

I am pretty peaceful. Believe me it's a surprise sometimes. I had a long talk with my IC a few weeks ago because I thought there was something wrong with me, I wasn't overreacting to things as had been my way for so long. She assured me that it was fine. It actually scared me a bit.

Best to you.

[labug]

I came by to journal a little.

My S26 who moved to Canada to be with his GF has a broken heart. She's done with him and the issue is something that's been brewing for quite a while. It's basically about money but it's also about his immaturity. He wasn't keeping to his agreements with her, she allowed that to go on, he kept promising things would change, things would change for a while and then back to status quo, she got resentful, kept putting up with his lack of investment in changing but finally had had it. Sound familiar?

There's been a lot of texting back and forth between S and I over the last couple of days but I think he has a plan now. He still wants the R to work but he has a lot of growing up to do and ground to make up. The good thing is he is taking full responsibility for his transgressions. But it just hurts so d@mn much.

I would love for him to come home but he (and I) knows it's best that he stay there and learn to be self-sufficient, stand on his own 2 feet.

It's been really hard not try to fix this for him. Not that I could but when at hearing the sobs over the phone it was all I could do to refrain from buying an airline ticket.

I've said many things to him that are in DR and that we say here. Maybe I should copy Cadet's welcome post and send to S26.

He'll be OK, he's very busy with school and a new job. He's never been "alone" before. He's never had to be 100% responsible for his food and shelter. (the crux of his current difficulties) He went from our home, to school with roommates, to living with her.

His friends there were her friends so that's concerning to me but he's making friends at his job. He said last night "they're all I have here."

I know that I have a very different perspective on this having gone through the process, having learned what I've learned. I know that the only way through it is through it. I hope I can provide the support and comfort to allow him to grow as he needs to grow.

[labug]

So things are looking up, even faster than I could have imagined. He's still brokenhearted and wants to get back but he's working his plan.

And he's moving from, this is all my fault, to, we both played a part.

He's doing a daily gratitude list.

It's a beautiful thing, this crazy life.

[LITB]

That's has to be difficult as a parent. Also, you have to be proud at the same time to see him make progress.

Interesting how detachment works in all areas of our lives. Thanks for sharing Bug.

[Rick1963]

Part of growing bugsy. He will be fine. He knows in the back of his skull that he has supportive parents. He is young and will come out of this faster than us

[labug]

Thanks, guys.

I am so proud of him.

In other news, S22's IC thinks he's ready to go to biweekly appts. His situation is improving, hes making small steps forward all the time.

Yes, LITB, it is all about detachment. Letting them take the lead and having faith that they can handle whatever life brings. I've realized that my "helping" sends the message that I don't think they can handle things without me. I want to send the opposite message.

[SunnyB]

Labug, what a gift you've given S26, the tools to cope with his heartbreak. Tools that will serve him well as he gets older. Kudos to both of you.

And good news on S22, also.

[keep_going]

Bug,

I am so happy to hear that things are improving.
Let go and let God, right?

((((LAbug))))

[labug]

Yes, for sure KG.

I'm going to post this here in my thread although infidelity wasn't a cause for my marital BD.

There's a great podcast called Death Sex & Money. Google and look for the episode Cheating Happens. It's an honest look at cheating from people who have been on both sides of it. There is no judgment, so if you're looking for that you won't find it there.

Some of you may not be ready to hear it, if you're still really raw, you may not want to go there.

But the last guy who talks about his W cheating sounds like he could have DBd.