The "warm/cold" thing is rough on a person, and yeah, no matter how much we try to not have expectations, or think we are detached, we still have them, and aren't as detached as we think. Man, I know I kinda fooled myself many, many times. Be gentle with yourself.
Here's the thing... nothing has really changed, has it? There is no new info, is there?
Limbo-land is a hell all it's own.
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but i don't think she really understands what her actions do.
^^^^^ BINGO. And she can't, she is lost in her own fog of self-absorption.
There is just about a month left until your re-assessment, maybe go dim, for YOUR sake. They have no idea how cruel it is to flip about like a fish on a hot dock with our emotions. So, we have to take control of our emotions, thoughts, and actions, because that is what we CAN control.
First thing, make sure you have knocked her off the pedestal you put her on. I keep "hearing" that in your posts, that pedestal thingy. You have put her there since BD, and tough as it is, YOU need to take her off it. She is just a flawed human being, like all of us.
I wouldn't worry too much about the judgement, if they judge, f'em...M is tough in the military, my Mom told me during my sitch that she wanted to leave a few times, the deployments, etc., and she's "old school" older generation who put duty above most things. Try to find some resources to help beyond an IC, there has to be other people going through/have gone through this on base.
Push yourself to do stuff, I dove into my work, after you've taken some time to recover.
Keep posting, and...
You are going to get through this.
You are going to come out the other side a better, not bitter, man.
I see it in you.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
