Gogofo - Learning to go dark

[gogofo]

Emotions are still up and down, but not as bad as the last two days. Tuesday and Thursday the W was out after her evening class until midnight. This screws with my emotions because of my attachment and my mind wanders to her and OM. I have no idea what she is doing, but I don't like having to think about it. Being in my own house and not knowing where she is and when she gets home will allow my to detach a little bit more.

Yesterday I got my down payment checks ready for my down payment for buying my house today. I am excited!

After I got back to the house my BIL and SIL came over to deliver half of a beef that my FIL got for my XW. I helped them unload it and my nieces played with my two boys. It was really nice to see them all playing together.

My SIL and BIL started talking to me about the D and my XW. They both are confused and think she is wrong for wanting the D, made me feel less crazy about being confused by the situation. Her brother said she messed up and doesn't know what she it losing and I completely agree.

They also let it slip that she is angry about me buying a new house. I have noticed this and think it is funny/ridiculous. She wants me out, wanted the D, and is upset that I bought a new home. Well tough, and too bad. Maybe seeing me moving on is not as pleasant as she had thought it would be.

It also made me happy that she was upset, she needs to be. Maybe one day she will look back and see what she is missing. Is it wrong to find pleasure in my WAXW and her anger and pain regarding the reality of what is going on? It certainly cheers me up. I am not purposely trying to punish her, but when life shows her the errors of her ways, I like it.

SIL also told me that she does not like my XW's good friend that she hangs out with. This girl got a D from her husband about 10 months ago. My SIL said my XW would talk like "oh they got it all done in a week, it was so fast." and "she is so happy, it was only like two weeks before she started to feel better." I think SIL feels she was a bad influence on my W and her feelings towards our M. The friend also is the only one that know about the OM.

I have been trying to figure out what happened in the end to us. I don't know why, but I think I need closure. The story I have is that she likes the family life and wants it. She likes me and wanted to be with me. Then she started back talking to OM and his fantasy R that is all romance and pleasure and fun made her miss that. So she is choosing to chase that out instead of the mature love of a 10 year R. Was I perfect, heck no, but I was willing to work on any and every issue we had. Looking back I can see how her attitude and interaction with me changed when OM started back around again. In my mind she gave up on me and her family for a relationship that is not based or grounded in reality. Does it hurt, yes but I will get better. I don't want to be with a woman that would choose easy and quick pleasure over someone who is committed to a R/M.

I think she feels there is something better out there.

GAL this weekend will keep my busy and I need it. I will be unloading my stuff into my new house!! I will also get the kids and to go to a family b-day for my Grandma (83 years) and I will cherish it because she is going down hill fairly fast. I hope to get out within the next week and start the focus on me.